I spent the day at a Men's Retreat at our local church. I'm kind of confused about how to bibically love my wife and the concept of DBing and how they combine.
If you have a comment that is critical of faith OR religion OR biblical worldview please save it for another forum. But if you have faith, believe what is said about loving your wife, laying your life down for her, then please I am open to your thoughts.
I think the "Fireproof" concept of breaking into full-on pursuit if your M is in trouble is possibly a valid one if things are rocky but you haven't been BD'd yet. IE, your W is not two feet out the door. But once you get BD'd and she's gone full blown WAS, pursuit simply does not work. I would venture to say that every single person on these forums tried it. We all do it before we find DB'ing. And it didn't work for anyone. I don't know a single example of it working. But I know many examples of DB'ing working to EVENTUALLY restore an M. It doesn't work fast, there are no magic tricks or miracles.
I think what those of faith have to embrace is the concept that maybe God is trying to teach us patience, and teach us to let go of what we want as a show of love to our spouse. If she doesn't want to be married to you then what is the ultimate expression of love? Is it constantly pressuring her and pushing her and waving the Bible in her face to show her what she's doing is wrong and getting others to talk to her in your behalf? Or is it letting her go and giving her what she wants even though it breaks your heart? I'm not trying to force an answer on you, but it's something to meditate on.
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But I don't want my wife to think I'm no longer interested in her.
Oh she knows.
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I told her point blank that my heart is for her.
OK you said it. Now don't keep saying it. Once is enough. She already knew. She still knows. Constant reminders are pressure, and you need to remove all pressure.
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Ahh great. Spent the weekend hearing about how my distance, affect and short responses are triggering my W because of 10 years of emotional abuse.
I tried not to engage. I really did.
Good opportunity to listen and validate. Right now NOTHING you do is going to make her happy. She'll find reasons to dislike everything you do. So you've got to do them for you, and with a LONG TERM view of saving your M, not a hope that you'll see an immediate positive reaction.
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I just can't believe I'm still hearing this. I've given her all this time and we are still here 18 months later. She doesn't see it that way though. Because I didn't instantly change 18 months ago.
Again, just listen and validate when she says these things. She is trying to justify her actions, her "rationalization hamster" is running it's little legs off. You can't reason with her, don't even try. Read up on validation. The beauty of it is you are not agreeing with her, you are simply acknowledging her feelings. Her feelings are valid no matter how crazy they are. You have to learn to accept her feelings and let her have them.
