Is it universal that these MLC'ers will not go to church?
It's not uncommon. WAS's love to hook onto an enabler or two and will shut down on people that don't enable them. So for example sometimes their own parents will try to convince them to work on the M and they will quit talking to them for a while (months, maybe longer). Likewise religion does not tell them what they want to hear so they will quit going, or go but just for "show".
Originally Posted by SoloFlex
So I was drawn into an R discussion tonight with W (which I know is a no-no) but it did have a purpose. I wanted to evaluate where she is, what she's thinking (or thinks she's thinking) and probe by asking open ended questions and waiting. I am lacking information, so an opportunity like this important (like why is she nice still?).
First of all you were not "drawn into" an R discussion. How do I know? Because YOU "wanted to evaluate where she is". You are wasting your time and hurting your chances of recon. How? Because you are applying pressure to her at a time she wants ZERO PRESSURE. Your job is to REMOVE all pressure. Every time you apply pressure you set yourself back to square one. So STOP. Whenever you temp check all you're going to hear is how she feels at this very moment in time. It can change tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.You get no useful info out of a temp check other than hearing nothing has changed for her. She may even feel forced to accelerate her plans for S or D.
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Her big thing tonight was how weird the last two weeks have been. I had been pulling back and giving her space these last two weeks (which seemed to be helping) and this did not sit well with her at all.
That's because of where her mind is right now. EVERYTHING you do is "not good enough" or "too little too late" or "done for all the wrong reasons". This is why we say to do things for YOU, not to get a reaction out of her. It will slowly over time work on her perception of you, but not right away. You've got to be patient.
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Near the end, she was very emotional and asked how and why I was so even-keel...... why was I not mad at her. How could I be understanding and supportive. She was very confused.
This is pretty typical as are most of the other things she said to you in that talk. WAS's expect a very negative reaction to BD from the LBS, in fact they kind of hope for it as it makes them feel more justified. When they don't get that it makes it harder for them to rationalize what they are doing. They still DO rationalize it, but it's not going "according to plan".
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I told her I was deeply interested in her and us (yes maybe a mistake), I told her I love her, I believe in our marriage........ the reason for all that is to make sure she knows there's an open door back.
All you're doing is laying the groundwork to be Plan B.
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I told her "you realize you will be tempted as you have never been tempted before..... Do you understand this?". She wanted clarification, and I gave it to her. Spelled it out (not getting mad, or impatient, completely clinical). She understood and didn't think that would happen. I told her she WILL be tested even if she can't see that now. I also added that I would hope she would be honest with me if something does happen as I would be honest with her. She agreed.
I guess you are talking about an A. She is going to do what she wants, and she will not keep you informed of it. Do you read other threads here? If not please do, especially those of people farther down the road than you. It'll give you a better idea of what to expect, and what DOESN'T work.
It sounds like you have strong faith so that's good, but remember the story about the drowning man screaming to God for help? And a boat comes by and asks if he needs help and he says no, God will save me. Then another comes by and he says the same, then he drowns, goes to Heaven and asks God why he didn't save him and he says "who do you think sent the boats?" Don't wait for a miracle to "snap her out of it", instead trust that God is sending you to the places you need help from (like here). LISTEN to the advice, FOLLOW the advice. God may be teaching you a lesson in PATIENCE with this. Embrace the journey, don't fight it.
