Neffer, I like the idea. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that it is executable. Even this morning with D16 out of the house, I felt that she felt some pressure. I didn't try anything, we just spoke about stuff and then she left to go to the office to catch up on some work.
If I were to initiate a getaway it would create pressure. It just would. IMO
I like the "Be the prey" but I'm not comfortable doing nothing.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I've tried to analyze what this change is. I think she has more embraced her femininity, softened her approach toward me. Right or wrong she is the type that when she is happy with you, you can do no wrong. Your transgressions are excused and W sees life in regards to you, through the lens of your advocate. When she loses attraction, you can do no right. I believe this is a pattern learned from her mother.
A while back, W told me a story about a coworker that played a joke on her. He hid and scared her after she had done the same. This is a coworker that may innocently enough bring her coffee cups when he returns from business trips. They are a small company and I think he brings back gifts for a few people. Anyway, I told her a while back that I didn't want to hear playful stories or see gifts from this guy. After explaining that there was nothing and no reason to be concerned, she agreed. Even seemed understanding. Fast forward and she tells me this story because I startled D16 and her friend because I happened to be near the front door as they entered. At first, I blew it off. Next morning, I had a client pull out of a deal and some other bad news and the story of her coworker crept back into my mind. (yea, I know this is not Alpha male stuff). Anyway, I sunk to a dark place. I had a dark cloud over my head like I had not felt before. The violation of the boundary along with the playful nature of her story began to ruminate. Get the picture? I was in an unusual and uncomfortable place and (right or wrong) decided to share it with her.
I did it in an as un-accusatory way as I was able. Sure there was the accusation of guilt based on the story but not in my tone. W was all ears. She said she was sorry and owned her part. W said she was sorry that I still had these triggers. Remember this is the W that wanted to skip admitting to any plan to restore trust etc. Instead of getting defensive or blaming me for my feelings W was understanding and supportive. This was a major shift. Later I thank her for her response and even apologized for dumping it on her. She said I wasn't dumping and again she was sorry that I still had these triggers. We hugged.
Anyway, I tell this story because this whole episode seemed counter-productive at the time, yet W response seems like a big advancement. I realize this borders on mindreading but I'm never going to hear the words.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So here's my question. What do I do, if anything, with this movement towards me? I feel like I need to be intentional.
Wait and see? Try to initiate sex? Remind her that I plan to skedaddle by year-end if things are never going to change? Something else? Thanks for any input.
I'm a big believer in "fortune favors the bold". You're thinking about leaving if there's no improvement anyway, so you really have nothing to lose by trying to escalate the R. I say go for it!
I'm a big believer in "fortune favors the bold". You're thinking about leaving if there's no improvement anyway, so you really have nothing to lose by trying to escalate the R. I say go for it!
Sitting still is the most difficult thing for me. I know it is important at times. I just wonder if this change in her state deserves a response. Your right, I have nothing to lose.
I have also considered a serious R that is non-threatening but reiterates in a calm tone that I plan to move on if she still doesn't want to work things out and how that might look in a methodic and respectful way.
I know to bring up MR is not in the manual.
W has shown a change, I'm ready to break out of Limbo Land.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Things are mostly the same. W seems to enjoy time together. D16 is off to the beach for camp and D20 is coming home for a short stay and then back to college.
We have reached the anniversary of No Sex. 6/11/18 I tried to initiate and when she rejected. I said that I didn't want to pressure her if she didn't want it.
So, with things going swell, I decided 2 things: * fortune favors the bold * The man controls the sex
After days of deliberation, I decided to make a move. I toggled between just slipping up behind her when the time seemed appropriate (few if any words) and flat out asking. Both have pluses and minuses. Either one would require that I prepare for the worse to avoid a fight.
We have been watching episodes of Mad Men lately and sexually has been a reoccurring subject. So there's that.
So, this morning I decided that an arm's length correspondence was a low-pressure way to make a move and buffer responses. I know this seems weak but you have to know my W.
M: Seeing that it has been a year since we had any sexual contact, I have been thinking about where if anywhere this is going. Any thought?
W: I'm thinking that this is not a conversation to be had by text or walking out the door. If you'd like to set aside some time in the evening, that will work better.
M: Fair enough. I realize text may not be the best but sometimes we do better when we don't react to each other. As for timing, I just felt like saying something and didn't really expect you to respond immediately.
Then before leaving for the office, W came into my room and said she was leaving for the day. We said our pleasantries and confirmed dinner plans. No attitude or underlying messages. I added that I would like to have that conversation tonight and she said we can.
So what does this all mean?
Well, for one, W's response was a major improvement from her past. Taking a non-belligerent approach, one that seems to take my feelings into consideration is a big step forward. I realize it could also signal indifference.
Am I temp-taking? Perhaps, but limbo land can't continue indefinitely.
News at 11 pm.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR, I like it. I think you are headed toward R, and this is a topic that needs to be broached. The key is to NOT react negatively if she isn't ready yet. Otherwise she will feel pressure and feel like that is all you care about. I know my W reacts much better to my initiation if it is a "fine if we do, fine if we don't", The big difference now is that she knows that saying "not right now" will not result in my "punishing" her. A much better dynamic, and the yeses are much more frequent than the nos!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
