I think you are doing the right thing by not applying pressure. I also understand why, as the distancer, you'd not want to go dark on him. But all that means is that he gets to do whatever he's doing while seeing you when he wants, having you facilitate his relationship with his children, do his wife-admin, and be available for lunches and holidays when he feels like it. Perhaps you're not yet ready but I think the choice here is between the status quo or you going very dark, very suddenly. Let him feel abandoned.
