I don't know - he said in the end he was texting a friend about a cycling commitment. As far as I know he hasn't had any contact with the woman since I found out about it last year. It was her choice to end things, not his - and I did have to watch him be upset about that for a few months over the summer, which was horrible. During those months I was obsessive about watching his every move, and he hated it, and I threatened to kick him out unless he let me do it - it was a crazy time and I made lots of mistakes. Our MC we saw last year said that I was going to have to find it in myself to trust him and he was going to have to be understanding of the fact that it was difficult for me as a result of his actions - and I do agree with that. I don't think he's up to anything now. He's changed his job - and I believe that and have evidence of it - to reassure me that he isn't bumping into her at work any more. I think I just let my insecurity get the better of me and instead of looking inwards for comfort and steadiness, I went back to old habits of expecting him to provide it by offering reassurance. It triggered bad memories in him, clearly.
H was round last night. He ended up staying over. Eldest was pretty challenging - deliberately so - and I think that came from anxiety about me going away. I think I found the right balance - just about - between backing up H but also giving him space to parent in his own way. He was steady and calm and not sarcastic or mean and he told me when he needed a few minutes on his own to calm down, which I appreciated. Eldest seemed to respond very well to that united front, and all was well this morning. It made me feel a bit better about leaving today for the week - which I will be doing in a couple of hours.
I've been mulling over the comment about wanting a bigger house. It's so strange. H chose the house we're living in now. I wasn't convinced but have grown to really love it. He wanted to live in this particular expensive area, whereas I wanted to live in a less fancy area, so we could afford something bigger. We're by no means cramped, but as the kids have grown there is more pressure on communal space, I work at home a lot, and I think an extra bedroom and reception room is necessary if we are all going to live together again. But as it stands, I can afford the mortgage on my own and buy him out easily. That puts me in a strong position and he knows that. I don't want to trade in that security for a bigger house until we're much much more solid with each other, and that could take years - if it ever happens at all. At the moment, he's renting a room in someone else's house. If he wanted to get a proper place of his own where the kids could visit him properly then we'd need to rejig finances and that would be difficult though not impossible. I have savings he has no access to and vice versa.
It's nice that he is looking forwards and imagining me in his future, but it makes very little sense to me. I've almost decided that I will go to the MC with him - just so I can have clarity and a better understanding of what he sees our problems are and what the solutions or ways forward might be. It doesn't commit me to anything, and I can walk out and end the process if he just wants to use it to whine and complain about the past. But I am going to mull it over more when I am away. I suspect his week doing all the wife-work might be a bit of watershed moment for both of us.
