So yesterday I turned up at the race feeling lonely and a bit daunted by the challenge. After a few miles I pulled my socks up, stuck a big smile on my face and had a wonderful time. I was reminded that when I smile and am funny and silly that other people enjoy it. I ran a really good time, had a hug and chat with my friend and then went to pick up H from the station. He looked tired and hungover after cycling and drinking all weekend. I was knackered after my race but managed to be chatty and keep things light. We went and had an early dinner with the kids and that was fine, then I dropped H at the station. He asked to see me and ds2 for dinner on Wednesday night (ds2 and I are going to the theatre after) and he's going on a cycling trip away with colleagues from Thursday to Monday. Many months ago I asked to come along on this and he never said yes. Two of the colleagues are taking partners and the rest aren't.
I am really struggling with jealousy and suspicion. There is one single woman in this group, she was there this weekend and she is going on the holiday. Some background: there is a photo of her in our icloud from 2 days after BD. He took no photos of anyone this weekend unless it was with his other phone, which he bought after BD and he says he uses it for his Whatsapp groups with his friends. When he wants to communicate with me he takes photos which go to our joint icloud. When he is withdrawing, he doesn't. Most of his colleagues went home after the cycling on Saturday night but a couple stayed over. H said in the morning that this woman wanted him to go for a cycle again but he was sore so went for a short run instead. He definitely mentioned her name more than his other colleagues. Small things, but then there is still the massive thing that I have never been to his flat. For all I know he could be the world's best liar and be sleeping with her there on a regular basis. Or he might just fancy her. Or there might be nothing to it at all. I can't imagine he would do anything with her on this long weekend away, given they will be surrounded by colleagues and he is the most senior person there. I have NEVER been a jealous person at all, he has gone on this trip away with colleagues for about 3 years in a row and I was always happy for him to go before. Maybe too happy, I don't know, I have been a distancer after all.
I am sorely tempted to confront him, but I don't know what it would achieve. Advice would be good before I do something impulsive...If I confront then I might undo all the good work where I have been calm and fairly detached with him for weeks and weeks now.
