Ok, I need an ear, opinions, suggestions, feedback.... [deep breath]
So I was drawn into an R discussion tonight with W (which I know is a no-no) but it did have a purpose. I wanted to evaluate where she is, what she's thinking (or thinks she's thinking) and probe by asking open ended questions and waiting. I am lacking information, so an opportunity like this important (like why is she nice still?).
Anyway.... so the big fireworks first (get it out of the way): She gave me her wedding and engagement rings back and said "put this back on me when everything is ok". I was shocked but kept myself together (I'll get into that more in a min).
Her big thing tonight was how weird the last two weeks have been. I had been pulling back and giving her space these last two weeks (which seemed to be helping) and this did not sit well with her at all. She went thru the same stuff everyone here talks about: "I can't see how we can improve this", "I'm suffocating", "My dreams have been buried", "I'm angry", "I'm sad", "I don't want to hurt you", "I'm a bad wife and a bad person", "This isn't easy for you", etc. It's like she was hoping I'd put a stop to this. I did the 180.
A main theme the whole conversation was the desire to run (she wouldn't have been open about this unless I was asking questions and been interested (and listening). This is where the returning of rings happened (that was a stab in the heart). I asked her what options were going thru her head, for the 1st time ever the D word was used, along with counseling.
Now I did have to make a trade to get this information = nothing given, nothing received. She wanted to know what I was doing, and I told her I was giving her space and time.... and that I was working to understand myself and become a better person. There was some emotion in there but I kept it in really good check.
Near the end, she was very emotional and asked how and why I was so even-keel...... why was I not mad at her. How could I be understanding and supportive. She was very confused. I told her I was deeply interested in her and us (yes maybe a mistake), I told her I love her, I believe in our marriage........ the reason for all that is to make sure she knows there's an open door back. I'm already expecting an A (get that out of the way right now). The A is going to happen. Here's another possible no-no I did....... after taking the rings back (which is a huge relief to me, I was afraid she'd run off and pawn them, have them stolen by an OM, or defiled in some vulgar act.... at least I can protect them, preserve their sanctity as a symbol, and use them in the healing process later). So anyway.... once I had the rings. I asked her "what does this mean?". She acted like she didn't understand, and then replied "It gives me stress to look at them and think about you". I told her "you realize you will be tempted as you have never been tempted before..... Do you understand this?". She wanted clarification, and I gave it to her. Spelled it out (not getting mad, or impatient, completely clinical). She understood and didn't think that would happen. I told her she WILL be tested even if she can't see that now. I also added that I would hope she would be honest with me if something does happen as I would be honest with her. She agreed.
We agreed to give her space and time to reduce her stress. And agreed that if the MBR is closed she will be left alone (until I go to bed). She was soooooo confused, crying..... over and over "I can't do this anymore", "I want to run and I'm trying not to".
Believe nothing she says and half what she does...... ok, I believe 10% of what she says, and half what she does. I have the rings. The affair is inbound. The tattoo is Tuesday. A girls night out at the baseball game and drinks at the bar is Saturday (learned about this tonight). She went to a collage graduation party tonight and told me someone had thought she was in collage (which obviously gave her great pleasure).
It was a big night..... I was 90% clinical that was very good. 10% was minor slips (eyes watering, one or two small tears...... not for long). Remained very supportive in everything. Asked questions. Empathized. Acknowledged my faults leading up to this point. Didn't tell her any BS. Reinforced the concept of US. Denied any desire to give up on us.
Gave some up to receive a lot in return. She's going down, and going down fast.
