Hi Sandi, thanks for taking the time, I really appreciate your input. I’ll try to answer your questions:
Yes I agree I don’t think there have been many nice guy tendencies. I think I’m guilty of not being nice enough at times. For some reason I got the idea in my head that anytime she made her wants and needs known to me, I viewed it as her trying to be controlling or something. So I got into the habit of denying her things just because I thought she was trying to control me. Looking back I realized I was being cold to her in that regard. I have really tried to 180 on that. She has been receptive and genuinely seems thankful when I do things for her now. I did have trouble with this as I was always wondering if it is a temp check or not.
Yes sandi, when the baby came her MIL moved in with us. Her MIL is great and I really like her but when we are at home it is always all 3 of us. I feel that I don’t have much alone time at home because her mom is always sitting with us except an hour before bed. I don’t feel comfortable being affection to my W in front of her MIL, I will work on this if given the chance. I realize I didn’t verbalize my discomfort about her mom being around too much, that is my fault.
Yes the baby dynamic changed things greatly. She did the bulk of the child care. I thought I was doing a lot but looking back I wasn’t doing much. The amount of child care I do now is probably my biggest 180 and I feel very close with my S now which is great. I still had a big social life and was very active with hockey. My W probably felt she was doing all the child work while I went out and had fun. Not good.
You are absolutely right I wasn’t making her feel attractive. I find her incredibly attractive just did at garbage at letting her know I felt that way. I rarely complimented her. I don’t know why I wasn’t making out with her. I just felt like I had this image of a strong no BS man I wanted to be in my head and I displayed that by being emotionally distant and non affectionate. I used to think acting like that was strong, but now I view it as weak. Well we made out passionately last night so I guess that’s a start. Hopefully I get the chance to again soon haha.
Sandi I’m pretty confused about her thoughts. Yes she likes the changes I’ve made and I do think she’s attracted to me. But every time she has made a comment about me being with other woman I’ve tried to tel her that “this isn’t what I want”. I think I’ve made it more than clear that I want to work on the MR. She hasn’t reciprocated that yet. Yesterday I brought up her plan to see other people when we separate because although she mentions me dating often, I hadn’t heard her talk about herself dating in a few weeks. She said “that’s not my intention but sure” (in reply to me asking if she would see other people. So she seems to say I’m not going out with the goal of meeting someone but I’m not going to shy away from it.
Yes you are spot on about her love languages. She says it is words of affirmation, but there is definitely some physical touch (non sexual) and quality time in there. I have been doing really great about the physical touch and have had some really great words of affirmation which she was grinning after I used them.
I have gone back and forth on my thoughts on OM. I am suspicious but haven’t really seen anything concrete. Her basically sister left her boyfriend of 10 years so basically married. I was actually really good friends with her sister and she was our roommate for a few years. I don’t think she would support my W leaving me but who knows. She left a man who was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Pretty funny that when her sister left the boyfriend I defended her for leaving an abuser, while my W said it was unfair to just up and leave him like that. Pretty interesting given our sitch now lol.
She has started talking and texting a lot to another young single girl at her work. I believe this to be her enabler/friend she plans on going out drinking with. At first her mom seemed really against us separating and said multiple times that we shouldn’t rush into this, but then she co-signs on an apartment and moving out with my W like 2 weeks later so I guess she is enabling in a way. Her M brought up our R a few days ago and said “I still have hope you guys will work it out”.
So yeah Sandi I’m just unsure of where to go from here. Everything I’ve read says go LRT. But my W has been very receptive to my affection and touch. Part of me thinks that if we can spend time together like once a week while separated maybe we can rekindle R. But I guess it’s up to her now.
If the separation is to get my undivided attention, how will I know? And how do I react? I think I’ve made it clear that I want to be with her still. Am I supposed to pursue some? Maybe ask her if we can date once a week or something? What do you think? I feel that I’ve already 180d on so many of her complaints and I guess that’s why she has turned around so much since BD. Any advice on what you think I should do during separation? Thanks again, sorry for the long read but I wanted to comment on all your points!
