Saw H last night. He was an a foul mood and I felt anxious. He sorted out the childcare situation - he had asked his mother, apparently, and forgot about it - which isn't surprising given how depleted he is. I'm glad I didn't say anything but I notice how eager he was to find a way for it to be my fault. I didn't engage with him on it, and in the great scheme of things it is relatively minor but it is information about where his head is at that I am not going to ignore.
He hung around for a bit, and went into the back garden and was sending texts on his phone. I went out and asked him who he was texting - which was a mistake and I regret it. He was immediately defensive. 'I sent a few silly texts a year ago,' he said (in reference to his EA). I said, 'I'm sorry I asked you that. We both know your relationship with [EA woman] was more than that, but I shouldn't be quizzing you about your phone and I'm sorry that I did,' and I left him where he was and went upstairs to pack for my holiday. He came up about half an hour later and started ranting - not shouting exactly, but he was upset and emotional - about how he never had any space in the relationship, about how the children had their own rooms but he didn't, that he didn't have any room for his things in the house (he's moved out and he lives somewhere else, and the things that he hasn't taken with him are exactly where he left them - I haven't removed or disturbed his stuff at all). I listened then I said, 'I know we've both been very unhappy living together. We don't live together any more so I don't know why you want me to listen to you carry on being angry about stuff to do with a living situation that is in the past,' - one of the things he was annoyed about was that I bought a new armchair for my bedroom and it was in a space that he liked to have clear. It seems insane to me - he doesn't live here, it's my room, I will have a chair there if I want to. I didn't say anything until it all died down then I said 'I am tired of this. I know you weren't happy in our marriage. I wasn't either. That's why we made the change of not living together any more. That's made me happier, for sure. We can either talk positively about changes to make to our relationship in the future, or we can talk about divorce and finances, but I am not going to listen to you complain about a situation that is six months in the past now.'
He didn't like that and he left. I was very shaky and upset afterwards. Upset, I think, because I had hoped that he wanted to go to MC to talk about something other than how much he hated living with me and how it was all my fault. I'd hoped he'd be able to communicate what he wanted to change - even if it was to talk about how to divorce kindly and amicably. I can see how I angered and triggered him by asking him about his mobile phone, and I wish I hadn't. So perhaps I haven't changed as much as I'd need to and as he wants to see either.
I saw him briefly this morning and he was very defensive - and i just said there was no point talking about it unless it was to make a change or to move things forward in some way - and he said that he needed some space in the relationship for his opinions and emotions and he thought the best way forward was to move house and get somewhere bigger where we could all have our own space. My jaw dropped at that. There's not a chance in the hot place that I'd financially commit to a bigger mortgage with him right now, and if he thinks that's the solution to our problems we are much much further away from resolving anything than I'd imagined. Still no signs at all of him looking at his own part in things, taking responsibility, etc. He has a tendency (and our family therapist picked up on this and called him out on it - which is why he left the session early and in a bad temper) to criticise and moan and complain but not to make suggestions, collaborate or ask for what he wants. It means in our marriage I've either ignored or avoided him and just got on with what I wanted to do because to ask him for input just opens up the way for a hailstorm of moaning and obstruction. I can see why he'd feel ignored and overlooked. He can't see how that's a situation he's helped to create and still isn't willing to see it.
I am glad I'm going away tomorrow. I am really really tired of the way I allow him to treat me. I think I did better this time, but I want to use some of the time away to think about firmer boundaries and consequences. I don't want to listen to his whinging and criticism ever again and if he's not able or willing to look forward constructively, then I will move on without him. It's probably time for him to start enjoying his own space and privacy more completely, and seeing his children there, on a more equitable childcare arrangement.
