It’s a 180 for me too, even though I have always done all the car bureaucracy and taken all our cars for servicing and MOTs and tyres and sorted insurance etc. But my current car is starting to get a bit old and will start being less reliable and more expensive to fix so time to change it. H was fine about my choice, said it wouldn’t be as fast as my current one but would be more practical. I have NEVER chosen any of our cars before, I’ve always got his cast offs, so this is all a 180 for both of us. I told him if I buy it he’s not allowed to complain about it being too slow when he drives it. I plan to keep him to that, as he has form for complaining about things I choose.
Anyway, it was a nice meal. He texted me instructions on getting there. I thought ‘I can use Google maps’ and ignored it. Half an hour later he must have panicked that I wasn’t coming and rang me. I ignored that and texted ‘ta’ about 10 minutes later. Then he texted me at 12 that he could come early, I was right nearby but said I’d be there in 20 minutes and went and enjoyed the sunshine in a little park catching up on emails. He didn’t drink anything at lunchtime which is a first, I had a glass of wine. We chatted about the car and my family and work stuff, it was nice enough. I feel relaxed with him now. Then a kiss on the cheek and I headed off, he texted to say he’d looked at the car on the website and the price had reduced a bit. I was surprised he was so accommodating about the car but he knows my current one could get expensive fast if it starts going wrong.
I feel quite different today, like I’m properly detaching. It’s odd, definitely new. It might change (probably will) but for now I feel quite content and like I’ll be ok no matter what. My mind is no longer clinging quite so tightly to him as before. I wasn’t searching his face for clues (that never works, that’s actually misleading), and right now I don’t really care what he’s up to. Really interesting. GAL plans tomorrow plus plenty of work. I’ve also realised that my trigger points tend to be Saturday and Sunday evenings and Monday mornings. Must make plans for those times! I’ve also been reading more ditches on here and realising that my H is so very cliched in his MLC. That makes it easier to detach in a way. I can care about him but see the bigger picture. I just hope he wakes up before it’s too late because dilly 2.0 is pretty amazing.
Reading here helps me too, Dilly. It seems very obvious to me what a poster needs to do when I read their sitch, because the actions of the departed spouse very often fall into a regular pattern. Then in my own situation I end up thinking, 'well, they don't know him like I know him,' or 'it's more complicated than that' when in actual fact it isn't. I am not sure my H is having a mid-life crisis (maybe we're too young for that yet - we're in our mid 30s) but he's certainly depressed, miserable, blaming everyone else for it and making himself and his family's lives awful and I am done letting him do it to us. It feels kind of liberating to have made that decision.
Perhaps the more detached you are the more relaxed your H feels, and when he feels relaxed, he is able to behave a bit better. He doesn't feel you scrutinising or examining him, which means he can act more naturally. Do you think that's what is happening?
I will have to have a think about trigger times. Generally during the week I am okay. I find the first thing I wake up in the morning quite sad sometimes, but then again I have the dog that needs seeing to now so no time to dwell. I find when H is here quite hard, and when he goes I feel relief and then sadness that I feel relief. That's tricky to deal with, and I'm thinking of having a boundary there - that he sees the kids at his own place and picks them up and drops them off from school so he has no need to come to the house. Being here and letting me cook for everyone while he hangs out for them suits him - of course it does - but I am not sure it is suiting me so well.
No, that doesn't sound particularly appropriate really. And if you don't enjoy seeing him when he comes over then why bother seeing him? I might have ups and downs with my H but most of the time I quite enjoy his company, I wouldn't see him otherwise. You might be right that he behaves better when we're both relaxed. Bit of a difficult few days with H going away with his work colleagues for a cycling weekend. I won't contact him, and tonight I will go out somewhere, tomorrow I will sort out this car thing and cook a roast for me and the kids. Sunday I have a race and then am picking him up and going out to early dinner with the kids. Then next week he's going away so I won't see him for at least a week, maybe even 10 days. This will be good, if nothing else the man desperately needs some time off work. Though possibly not time off work drinking 2+ bottles of wine a day, but that's not my business. I need more GAL plans, especially over half term.
I'm being a bit negative, really. He isn't always that awful - he just often is. And sometimes he does step up and help out - most often on Saturday mornings he will change the beds and clean the floors while I go out for a coffee with my friends, and he will do homework with Youngest and do jobs I don't like (like cleaning rabbit cage out) and he doesn't make a song and dance about it, though I do always thank him. And sometimes we do have a bit of a joke - though most of his conversation is about his work and how hard he is finding it, there's just nothing much else for him to talk about right now. He can be encouraging of my work, and he's said a few times that I am looking really good (I am!) and that he really likes seeing me getting out and enjoying myself and that I am doing well with the kids. I guess what I don't enjoy is how anxious I feel when I am around him, how often disappointed or sad when he leaves. It is partly to do with his behaviour (which is tons and tons better than it was, but not consistent) and partly to do with my expectations. And I guess I can do something about my expectations. I get the feeling that he's been sensing my disapproval or disappointment for a long time and that would have been hurtful to him too. I need to keep reminding myself that the man is on the brink of burn out, is probably medically depressed, and though he says he wants to fix things with me, he just has no capacity at all for even loving himself at the moment, never mind anyone else.
10 days feels like a long time to me. Perhaps its a good time to focus on yourself and your GAL and your social life. How are you doing with your Dilly 2.0 goals? Any new hobbies or places to take the kids over half term? Do you have any creative hobbies, or any creative activities you've been meaning to take up, but haven't ever given yourself the time for? It feels like only a couple of weeks since the Easter holidays, doesn't it? I hope we have nice weather.
Hmm, yes, maybe having negative expectations is as unhelpful as having positive expectations? I tend towards overoptimism and am disappointed, but maybe having a pessimistic expectation then sets both of you up to have that fulfilled? And yet having no expectations is sooo hard!
I have slipped a bit on dilly 2.0. I've done really well on alcohol, I had a few glasses of wine last night and then slept terribly so that was a lesson to me! I rarely open a bottle nowadays and have been drinking non-alcoholic beer if I fancy something which tastes different from water. Most nights I don't drink anything, though I do like to go to the pub and read my book with a pint so I did that again last week after a few weeks of not.
I have actually always been good at GAL stuff because H has worked such long hours so daytimes I've been good at seeing friends and doing activities. I go to an art class once a week, I do a lot of gardening, I read, I run, I do aerobics classes, I cook a bit. I have fallen off the yoga wagon and want to climb back on, and I would like to go to the cinema more and maybe meet new people in the evenings so I must plan stuff in advance more. Evenings are my downfall, I would like more regular evening activities especially as my teens are usually on their computers or doing homework then. Yesterday I was going to go to an afternoon group but ended up buying a car instead, which took over most of my day. I feel excited about it though, I'm picking it up next week!
Actually next week I have 2 great evening activities planned Tuesday and Wednesday so those will be fun. The end of half term I'm taking the kids and a friend of theirs away, and ds2 has a half day camp for 3 days of half term so I'll take him there and work while he's there. The bank holiday weekend might be trickier, I arranged to see a friend on the Sunday so I need to arrange stuff for the Saturday and Monday too, I'll check out local walking groups I think. I feel like what I need right now is new people in my life, going to the new office will help there too.
It's funny, the school holidays make life feel much more difficult whereas I always used to love them. I'm actually kind of dreading this summer, especially as ds1 finishes at the start of July. Maybe I need to just arrange to go away a LOT. Ds2 has asked if we can have a family holiday with ds1 and dh, because we didn't get that last year and next year ds1 is leaving school. I said I would talk to dh about it, don't even know where to start with that one. Not going on holiday together last year was the canary in the coal mine, holidays have always been where we reconnected as a couple and we used to go away about 4-5 times a year. I'm definitely not going to any old haunts, new places only! Maybe a long driving/camping holiday across Europe with ds2...
Well done on the drinking front , I know how hard it is , but it does become easier. Try not to be so hard on yourself, I think you are doing really well . You are going through a really stressful time and I think if you step back and look at how well you are doing you will be pleased .
There are Meetup groups that arrange cinema get togethers etc . Is there anything that you always wanted to do but couldn’t because you had the kids and married etc. ? I did something very few people have done and it’s great for the self esteem and it’s a great talking point ( kinda makes me look interesting )
Maybe, Dilly, now is the time to get the kid involved in planning a holiday that would really suit and please the three of you. Your H doesn't seem in a position to enjoy much of anything other than drinking at the moment. You can plan it with your lads and then ask H if he wants to come with you, or not. That way you're not missing out on anything or relying on him to do or say anything. You're just getting on with your summer and leaving a space for him in your happy family if he wants it.
Tryhard: thanks for that, now I'm intrigued about what you did And you're right, I'm doing as ok as I can do right now given where I am. I had a good think yesterday about your questions and remembered that I would like to do some dancing and also try a martial art. Something to arrange soon. I also looked at new Meetup groups (I joined 2 in the last month and have done a few things and met new people which was scary but good) and there is one group planning a camping trip over the bank holiday weekend. I am sorely tempted. I feel a bit of trepidation but I think I will sign up for it, I have my camping kit and my new car soon to fill it with. I love camping but the thought of going by myself, ugh. I spend too much time alone. Spending 3 days with a bunch of new people is a scary thought but I could always leave early if I don't enjoy it. And they are going for long walks and pub trips in a beautiful area, it sounds like just my cup of tea.
Alison: you're right. Now for the task of trying to find a holiday to suit teens who never want to go anywhere or do anything! I might have to get a professional to assist me
Lots of anxiety and sadness yesterday, I just kept breathing. I got quite a lot of work done. I enjoyed the beautiful spring flowers and greenery. I made a roast dinner and ate it watching a funny telly programme with the kids. Then I went to bed so early even being awake from 12-2 I still got a lot of hours sleep. Today I have a race, a friend is meeting me at the finish line, then I'm picking H up to have an early dinner with him and the kids as he won't see them for a while now.
So yesterday I turned up at the race feeling lonely and a bit daunted by the challenge. After a few miles I pulled my socks up, stuck a big smile on my face and had a wonderful time. I was reminded that when I smile and am funny and silly that other people enjoy it. I ran a really good time, had a hug and chat with my friend and then went to pick up H from the station. He looked tired and hungover after cycling and drinking all weekend. I was knackered after my race but managed to be chatty and keep things light. We went and had an early dinner with the kids and that was fine, then I dropped H at the station. He asked to see me and ds2 for dinner on Wednesday night (ds2 and I are going to the theatre after) and he's going on a cycling trip away with colleagues from Thursday to Monday. Many months ago I asked to come along on this and he never said yes. Two of the colleagues are taking partners and the rest aren't.
I am really struggling with jealousy and suspicion. There is one single woman in this group, she was there this weekend and she is going on the holiday. Some background: there is a photo of her in our icloud from 2 days after BD. He took no photos of anyone this weekend unless it was with his other phone, which he bought after BD and he says he uses it for his Whatsapp groups with his friends. When he wants to communicate with me he takes photos which go to our joint icloud. When he is withdrawing, he doesn't. Most of his colleagues went home after the cycling on Saturday night but a couple stayed over. H said in the morning that this woman wanted him to go for a cycle again but he was sore so went for a short run instead. He definitely mentioned her name more than his other colleagues. Small things, but then there is still the massive thing that I have never been to his flat. For all I know he could be the world's best liar and be sleeping with her there on a regular basis. Or he might just fancy her. Or there might be nothing to it at all. I can't imagine he would do anything with her on this long weekend away, given they will be surrounded by colleagues and he is the most senior person there. I have NEVER been a jealous person at all, he has gone on this trip away with colleagues for about 3 years in a row and I was always happy for him to go before. Maybe too happy, I don't know, I have been a distancer after all.
I am sorely tempted to confront him, but I don't know what it would achieve. Advice would be good before I do something impulsive...If I confront then I might undo all the good work where I have been calm and fairly detached with him for weeks and weeks now.
Ugh, and I confronted him. Impulsive. But I feel better for having done it, it would have eaten me up inside for the next week. Obviously I got the whole 'not sure I want to be married' thing again along with being told I was 'ridiculous'. I pointed out that he had not done anything to earn my trust but a lot to earn my mistrust. I told him I had always trusted him until now, but now I couldn't. Maybe it was stupid of me, but I don't regret it. I'm not going to stay stuck in this no man's land friend zone where we live apart and see each other for a few hours a week. I think I would prefer to move on than tolerate this for too much longer.
By the way, he is always INSISTENT every time we meet on knowing my plans for the next week. Time to stop sharing those with him. Let him see how easy it can be to mistrust, I'm sure it comes a lot easier to him.
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