Still in limbo

[Living]

Hello Everyone!

I thought I would give an update on my sitch. I can’t believe my last post was almost a month ago. I’ve been here though, reading the great advice given to others.

I’ve been taking things one day and one emotion at a time. I have good days and and I have bad days. I’ve learned to just embrace the bad days. When I do have bad days, I no longer allow myself to curl up in the fetal position in my bed. No I force myself to get up and do something. Something to take my mind off things if only for an hour. That has really been working.

I’m trying to get better with the workouts. However, one thing I need to get better at is time management. So this weekend I’m writing out a schedule for next week. My goal is to fit some time in to workout at least 3 times next week. I’m hoping by managing my time better, I’ll be able to fit working out on more. It’s all about priorities.

I miss my family who lives back in my home state. My mother, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and other immediate family members. I’ve decided that me and the kids will take a trip back home in July. It will be so good to get some unconditional love from my family.

I’m still trying to accept the fact that my M is over. Some days are easier than others. It’s hard to come up with a new plan for your future when you thought you had it all planned out. Life is so unpredictable. However, I’m definitely continuing on working on myself. That’s one of the positive things I’ve found in all of this. This situation, although hurtful, has allowed me to really focus on myself. I’m actually grateful for the journey. It’s not easy but I know that it’s necessary.

As for my H, nothing has changed with him (as far as I can tell). We still live under the same roof. He’s still trying to find a way to run away and I’m not holding him back from that. He has a lot of work to do on himself. He has his own journey to take. There is NOTHING I can do for him. I am civil with him when we interact. I’m not rude and never want to come off as bitter. Am I still angry with certain things he’s done? Sure, but I’m not going to walk around acting angry. I don’t want to give him any reasons to justify what he’s done.

I still find it nuts that for someone who claims he wants out of the marriage, he still tries to peruse me. However, I’ve accepted that will never make sense to me. I’ve cut him completely off. No intimacy or I love you’s. I haven’t told him I love him in probably 6 months.

The only thing I discuss with him is finances and the kids. If he comes to me and discusses other things going on in his life (such as work, etc.) I just listen and end the conversation first.

The truth is I don’t see him changing or growing at all. He goes to therapy very sporadically. Like once every month and a half. Then he never really takes the advice the therapist gives him. He just does what he wants. So that’s why I feel it’s best for me to move on with my life. I really don’t see anything with him changing anytime soon. I could be wrong but my gut tells me he’s going to waste years jumping from one temporary high to the next. He’s going to waste years searching for something that should be within. I can’t live my life like that.

So the hardest part in all of this is LETTING GO of someone that you love so much. However, that’s my only option or I will let this drive me insane. I refuse to go insane. Lol. I decided it’s best to let him go, I can’t save him it help him, letting go is the only option. It’s a tough pill to swallow but it is what it is. It’s also what’s best for me.

So there you have it, my update. Sorry it’s so long! Lol!