So W just returned from a 4-day business trip. She seems happy to be home. For some reason, I feel like I should do or try something. (besides move out)
Thoughts?
Say "It seems like you are happy to be home and that makes me feel good! Did you have a nice trip? Would you like to tell me about it over dinner?"
Do something to try and diffuse the recent tensions.
One thing I have realized in this group and perhaps it is obvious to others here is as Job has stated, we all tend to advise through the lens of our own personal experiences. I believe that most everyone here is intending to help others and I hope to do the same. Sometimes that help is not easily excepted and that's to be expected. If the prudent options were so obvious to us while stuck in the thick of it, we wouldn't need the group. Right?
Some people need to create a distance from their spouse. I get that. Hopefully, it can be achieved while still in the home, for reasons discussed elsewhere in these pages. Sometimes that is not possible. Only we can know and often only after we try. If you are in danger, then don't wait. Many times leaving without the full intent of divorce is simply a Contol Tactic. I think it is important to know why one decides to leave the home.
Much of the pain and distress that we experience while in this, is Growing Pains. As we realize where the MR got off track and how we contributed to it, hopefully, we learn and correct that behavior. Missing out on this opportunity would be unfortunate and a real shame. Not a lot of fun, but a tremendous opportunity. IMO Soak it in regardless of why the final outcome may be. You'll be a better person because of it.
Peace and Love.
I am still in my home, living in the MBR with my WW living upstairs. She pushed to file for D. I accepted it. I absolutely distance myself from her. She hurt me badly and she didn't/doesn't care. I am cordial, but I want nothing to do with the person that she has become. I am nice and will chit chat, but beyond that, I can't wait to move out and get my own place and move on with my life, control what I can control, and not have to worry about being in a position where someone has control over my emotions.
My WW showed zero remorse for her cheating. I have gotten a few crocodile tears and a couple of half hearted sorrys. I gave my WW a chance to stop her PA and stop the hurt. She decided she didn't want to, so she lost me. I personally decided that I do not want to be with a cheater and will not wait around for a cheater. I have better things to do with my life.
I truly hope everything works out for you. We will all be better people from our experiences, regardless of the outcome.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
One thing I have realized in this group and perhaps it is obvious to others here is as Job has stated, we all tend to advise through the lens of our own personal experiences. I believe that most everyone here is intending to help others and I hope to do the same. Sometimes that help is not easily excepted and that's to be expected. If the prudent options were so obvious to us while stuck in the thick of it, we wouldn't need the group. Right?
Some people need to create a distance from their spouse. I get that. Hopefully, it can be achieved while still in the home, for reasons discussed elsewhere in these pages. Sometimes that is not possible. Only we can know and often only after we try. If you are in danger, then don't wait. Many times leaving without the full intent of divorce is simply a Contol Tactic. I think it is important to know why one decides to leave the home.
Much of the pain and distress that we experience while in this, is Growing Pains. As we realize where the MR got off track and how we contributed to it, hopefully, we learn and correct that behavior. Missing out on this opportunity would be unfortunate and a real shame. Not a lot of fun, but a tremendous opportunity. IMO Soak it in regardless of why the final outcome may be. You'll be a better person because of it.
Peace and Love.
I am still in my home, living in the MBR with my WW living upstairs. She pushed to file for D. I accepted it. I absolutely distance myself from her. She hurt me badly and she didn't/doesn't care. I am cordial, but I want nothing to do with the person that she has become. I am nice and will chit chat, but beyond that, I can't wait to move out and get my own place and move on with my life, control what I can control, and not have to worry about being in a position where someone has control over my emotions.
My WW showed zero remorse for her cheating. I have gotten a few crocodile tears and a couple of half hearted sorrys. I gave my WW a chance to stop her PA and stop the hurt. She decided she didn't want to, so she lost me. I personally decided that I do not want to be with a cheater and will not wait around for a cheater. I have better things to do with my life.
I truly hope everything works out for you. We will all be better people from our experiences, regardless of the outcome.
SoTorn, I feel your pain. I was there at one time although years ago. All I can say is things will change. Given the current state of your R I can't blame you for wanting to get away. Keep posting and Like I said, things will change. Be prepared.
Last edited by RR17; 05/07/1902:15 AM.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So W just returned from a 4-day business trip. She seems happy to be home. For some reason, I feel like I should do or try something. (besides move out)
Thoughts?
Say "It seems like you are happy to be home and that makes me feel good! Did you have a nice trip? Would you like to tell me about it over dinner?"
Do something to try and diffuse the recent tensions.
Done. I didn't say the stuff about being feeling good. We went to dinner with D16 and I heard all about the trip. Also, things really haven't been tense since our text interlude. We have been working as a united front against a problem teacher at D16s school.
I like the idea Steve presented about the date and kind of already started. I initiated plans for us to watch the Ted Bundy movie tomorrow night. She remains in an emotional high.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So W just returned from a 4-day business trip. She seems happy to be home. For some reason, I feel like I should do or try something. (besides move out)
Thoughts?
Say "It seems like you are happy to be home and that makes me feel good! Did you have a nice trip? Would you like to tell me about it over dinner?"
Do something to try and diffuse the recent tensions.
Done. I didn't say the stuff about being feeling good. We went to dinner with D16 and I heard all about the trip. Also, things really haven't been tense since our text interlude. We have been working as a united front against a problem teacher at D16s school.
I like the idea Steve presented about the date and kind of already started. I initiated plans for us to watch the Ted Bundy movie tomorrow night. She remains in an emotional high.
AWESOME! RR, I am feeling good for you. I have to admit, reading your last few posts has actually made my head tingle in excitement for you. And the last one made tears well up. You have been a model of patience. All of the new LBSs that post here would do well to read your threads. And understand that this is a marathon, not a sprint. You are to be commended for your perseverance and longsuffering.
Onward and upward!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks, Steve85 (knowing that I proactively did what was recommended here put a smile on my face.)
All I want to add for noobs is that you need to move past the suffering. All the DB techniques aid in this. Nobody wants to run a marathon that they never elected to join. Tough luck. Buckle up or you might as well move on. Staying while still in a fight or flight state will only prolong your suffering. If your spouse has granted you the gift of time, use it to work on YOU. Face your demons and remember who you were when the R started. Regain your mojo. Learn to be happy regardless. Bring your frustrations here.
I am far from out of the weeds, but I wouldn't say I am not suffering. Things are calm and no longer a threat. I feel in control. Not of my W or the R, but of me. I don't need confirmation like I once did. I no longer feel totally responsible for the happiness of another person. Only my part.
BTW, last night W was dabbling in discussing what could be considered future plans. Not directly, but regarding real estate values in our area. This is something she was disinterested in previously. Just acknowledging. No expectations.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Mother's Day weekend. I plan to take advantage. Push a few buttons, take a few chances. Stay tuned.
The challenge is to manage my responses. If I don't get the reactions that I desire or expect, I need to be prepared to be disappointed and rejected. Keep moving and keep smiling. Not in a passive aggressive way but in a way like I did before 20 years of marriage.
I have been listening to "The Game" a book about the Pick-up crowd. I think someone here mentioned it and I checked it out of the Libary. Not so that I can go out and prospect for tail, but there is value in reminding myself of the resilience that I once had in regards to rejection. There are also ideas about intentional conversations intended to seduce. Who doesn't need to seduce?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Update: W has stepped up her movement toward me. Living arrangements are the same, separate bedrooms etc. But there has been an even more increase in consideration and respect. A seemingly increased desire to spend time with me. Not just more of the same but an increase. If I weren't married to this person, I'd think she liked me. This has been going on for a couple of weeks.
I did drop a kiss on her on Mothers Day. It was short but she engaged. I bought and grilled steaks, no card with sappy anything from me. I think my efforts were acknowledged. Who knows.
So here's my question. What do I do, if anything, with this movement towards me? I feel like I need to be intentional.
Wait and see? Try to initiate sex? Remind her that I plan to skedaddle by year-end if things are never going to change? Something else? Thanks for any input.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
