Complex WW and/or MLC #3

[sandi2]

I'm getting to the root of some of my issues and insecurities and just understanding where and what they are has given me a lot of opportunity to make changes in my daily interactions with EVERYONE and it would be nice to share some of this with W.

Share, huh? You guys begin to sound as if one man is writing all these posts. Sharing.......ha! It's just another word for talking. You still want to talk her back.

In my years of observing newcomer LBH's, it's not hard to see their commonalities. One of the top things they want to do is show their changes to the WW. Physical changes are the easiest. Changing how we think is not easy when we are set in our ways. We usually need an intelligent source that teaches and encourages us how we can become a better version (however we determine "better"). Once we are full into adulthood, changing our behavior patterns takes much determination. Not only can a new behavior feel uncomfortable at times, but it's just so easy to fall back into old ways. By old ways, I am referring to unattractive, defeating, unprofitable, and unhealthy behavior.

The hard truth behind why we do the things we do........may come from a professional helping us sort through our experiences, becoming better educated about our particular problem, real life observations, harsh consequences, etc. If we really want to change, it begins with being brutal honesty with ourselves. Examining our true motivation behind our actions is vital to our growth, whether it takes guidance from an outside source or not.

Have you completed the NMMNG book? I hope it will do more than just open your eyes. I pray it will be life changing for you. Changing yourself will probably be the toughest job in you'll ever undertake. You may get upset at me when you read some things I have to say. I hope you'll see it as a challenge, and not just a disagreeable woman. I have recovered from my status of a WW, but I haven't forgotten how she thinks.

Changing how you approach or deal with people and situations in your life or that crosses your path......cannot be narrowed down to a few 180's you want the W to notice. Not only notice, but you want her to be impressed by those improvements. Although most newcomers won't admit it, they want the WW to be impressed enough to change her mind about ending the MR. Anyway........ I think you should forget about wanting "to show" your changes to her. That's part of the problem many men have. They think if they can make changes that will please the WW, it will fix the MR. They actually want to manipulate how WW sees her LBH, or how she feels, and what she does. Forget about trying to persuade her. It only distracts you from work that demands your time and attention. If you don't, then you will not succeed in changing from the person you are right now......to the one you want to become. Do you know who that man is? Is any man okay, just as long as it gets your W back? If not, then forget about sharing your work with her for now. Your work is for you. The M is already gone. So do this for yourself.

Maybe I am not telling you anything new. Okay, but you need to practice consistently until you are living no more Mr. Nice Guy. Don't keep the information you've read in reserve...... to only apply with your W. It has to become your life long behavior pattern. Otherwise, it's just a tactic. Your W is slick, and she knows all the buttons to push b/c she knows you better than anyone else. I'm sure you can imagine various scenarios where you astonish her with your NMMNG behavior, and she realizes she wants to be with you. She's more experienced at being a rebellious and hard-hearted W, than you are a NMMNG. So, I encourage you to focus on authentically becoming NMMNG.

Can you give experiences how NMMNG has changed your interactions with your co-workers? What about the friends you hang with? No matter who the group or individual, people will assume you are going to be the same ole nice guy as always. I would be interested in hearing some of your stories. Nothing will give you more self confidence than when you start living NMMNG and people start responding with respect for you as a man.

I was invited by MIL but I'm pretty sure it was approved by W as the last time I was invited by MIL W made it clear that she is not allowed to do that unless checking with W first. I declined the invite.

Good! Do you know why I say good? B/c your W made it clear she has to approve it first. If you had attended, knowing your MIL had to get your W's approval.......that would have been a nice-guy move.

I did not see her on Mothers day at all, sent her a text in the morning just saying "happy Mothers day I hope it's a great one for you" and I got 2 cards from the boys with Gift cards for her, as well

Your kids are 9 & 6. Next time, let them pick out the cards and gift. Just give them a price range.

I'm glad your W was able to respond favorably to your letter. Still, it was pursuit. You just wrapped it in a Mother's Day gift bag, and used the holiday as your opportunity to play on her emotions. Two pages worth of pursuit!

I wanted to recognize her as she is an amazing mother to my boys and this has really never wavered in this. I also wanted her to know that I now am also better recognizing what she has done over the past 10yrs.

Based on my observations, you wanted to take advantage of the opportunity the holiday gave. You wanted to stir her feelings. I get it. That's what men do when they want a woman. It's their nature to pursue the female. However, I just wonder if you have tried to control her feelings for so long that you believe your own excuses. Look, I'm just saying that if she had not left you......you probably would not have written a two page letter recognizing how amazing she is. It's a nice-guy tactic.

I'm sure you may disagree but part of my own work is being able to be vulnerable and open up (as well as acknowledge) my issues over the years.

Like I said, you are basically doing the same thing and just wrapping it up to suit your occasion. This time, it comes wrapped in as "part of your own work". If you can't be honest with us, at least be honest with yourself. Maybe you are blind b/c you've lied to yourself for so long you can't admit the truth. Look, I'm all for working to improve yourself, but do it without bringing her into it. You are still wanting to talk,talk, and talk her back. It doesn't matter if it's under the guise of a Mother's Day acknowledgement or working through some mental health issue.........you are trying to talk her back into the MR. It is a nice-guy tactic that doesn't hold up, b/c eventually, action is required. If you are co-dependent, have abandonment issues, etc., then fix it........but leave her alone. If I left a man, I certainly wouldn't want to help him with his emotional issues. After she's moved on, that's not really her main concern. She's done!