Davide - yes, D9 is very secure in herself. She bounces along to the music in her head and is just happy being happy. To see the world through the eyes of a 9 year old. I am forever greatful that they are both in my life. Life would certainly be easier without them ... but I would rather they were in my life, and all the stresses it brings, then not.
I know I am moving forward, I can feel it. But that pain is always there. Not the all consuming, can’t get myself off the floor and constantly doubting myself pain - that is long gone, replaced by a numbness that I can’t seem to shake. A constant knot in my stomach/pain in my chest that seems to just be a part of me now. I find moments of joy, moments of laughter and happiness, but these are fleeting. Rationally, I know I am better off. The last year of my M was not a M at all. But feelings and logic don’t always align.
This entry sounds melancholy, and that isn’t intended. I am grateful for the many things I have. I have a job I am appreciated for doing and get remunerated for well, a gorgeous home, I am healthy and, by all accounts attractive, and I have two children who are growing up to be good people. I am one of the lucky ones. I try and remind myself of all of this every day. But the emptiness is still there. Only I can rid myself of it .. and only time will do that.
