13 years and 2 kids pt. 5

[Hurt213]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Much appreciated, and it was immensely helpful reading, and it made me realize, that actually I am not spinning, it is, as you speculated AS - just me reacting to the process, and me dealing with emotions in regards to things dying and ending. And thats fine, its a process that I need to undertake, and I am on that path, knowing that everything will be fine again.

Today was shift day, and boy have I missed my kids. We have a house showing tomorrow, so I came home early in order to fix the garden and my ex stayed and fixed the indoor so its ready for tomorrow. One of my 180s are to be more upbeat and cheerful as I have been really easily aggravated and not been very nice when things went wrong (thanks depression). However, today I wont say I slipped, but I fell back in the pattern.

Basically I was mowing the lawn, and my son 2 was looking at me from the panorama windows in the living room. My ex was watching the kids, because she is leaving for a week with OM, and wont be able to see them, and thats fine. However I look away, minding my own business for a minute, and when I look at the window, S2 has somehow caught hold on the curtain string (they are tied up high, so they are not reachable normally), however they were around his head and throat, although loose, I saw the mental image of him falling or running, and yea you get the picture. So I ran to the window and hammered on it. Ex was in the kitchen texting on her phone. So I yelled, What the hell? and gave her a frustrated look. She just smiled with an arrogant face, like "relax, Hurt, seriously......" I just know exactly how that episode would had went down, had it been her mowing the lawn and me watching the kids...

Basically shows the lack of respect these days - Dont really care come to think of it, I reacted because I love my kids, and she was too busy doing anything but watch them, so come to think of it, I like how I reacted, and thats it.

I finished up outdoors, and then packed some bags for the kids, and took them to the swimming pool.

The kids are doing alright, but its really really hard for them when we do the exchange, and they cry and really take about a day to normalize - its the hardest part for me right now.

Other than that, I have been resonating a lot about my future recently, and two things are currently stuck with me; Dejavu's reply to my thread regarding the fact that the future is unknown to us, and how exiting it is, that we are on an adventure with unfamiliar people we will meet, and unfamiliar places we will experience. I like that!

Then also the way of life in regards to living mindful (concentrating on the positives in my life in present time) as opposed to living mindfull (filling my head with all the obstacles that I need to deal with in the future - I deal with what I can presently, because I can't touch tomorrow, thats yet to come, and I can't change yesterday, cause thats in the past.


Only thing keeping me back from fully letting go of my ex is this fkin house really... It keeps me in limbo, and it keeps me in contact with my ex way more than I want to - So I just can't WAIT for it to sell.