It’s so hard to imagine attracting someone without pursuing. When I think how I won my w back in college I had to pursue. She is old fashioned where she doesn’t believe in women making the moves. One of the problems with our love life. I always had to make the moves. She never did!!! So I feel like giving her space is only creating more space.
Yes, this is exactly the logic most LBS's use to validate their need and desire to pursue. Here's the problem with this thinking- when you were in college your W was attracted to you. Your pursuit was flattering, sexy, desirable. It turned her on, it's all part of the human mating ritual. You weren't pursuing to make yourself attractive, she already found you attractive. You were pursuing to establish a LTR with her, one that she too was interested in. But now- no, nope, no sir. She is NOT AT ALL interested in you. Have you ever been pursued by someone you can't stand? It's repulsive. It makes you dislike them even more. You find them weak, pathetic, needy. THIS is how she sees you when you pursue. It is NOT attractive to her right now. What is attractive? Sorry to say but it's anyone but you. With lots of time and lots of space she may find you attractive again in the future.
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I know she is hurting I just can’t tell if it’s because our marriage is ending or if she is having second thoughts, but her damn pride would never let her admit she made a mistake.
She's hurting because this is difficult for her. She isn't just turning your life upside down, she's turning her own life upside down too. But that should tell you just how bad she wants out of the M- she's willing to put herself through all this pain just to get away from you. She's worried, she's scared of the unknown, and she's upset that she's hurting those she loves. But don't let that confuse you, she is still "full steam ahead."
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SoTorn, I am sure you DB the heck out of it. And yet you still ended up d. I know this program is about making ourselves a better person but I also don’t want to be divorced. I know it’s out of my control but it’s not what I want. I know it’s not what anyone wants on here, that’s why we are here.
All of us come here desperate to save our M's. We DB to save our M's, but somewhere along the way we save ourselves. And after that happens, some of us realize we deserve way the hell better than a cheating, lying, unloving wife. So while a lot of us come here to save our M's, we end up deciding that D is better after all. That is EXACTLY what happened to me, I am the one that pushed the D through. So you think ST and I are not success stories? I am so much happier and healthier than I was. I have a girlfriend that I have so many more common interests with, it really makes me realize how much I was missing out on due to a lack of common interests with XW. My GF texts me a laundry list of naughty things she wants to do next time she sees me. 4 years on and the electricity hasn't diminished. Meanwhile there have been people here who reconciled and struggled almost daily with whether they should have or not. They have trust issues, they have intimacy issues. Life is not black and white and this is not a simple matter of recon = success and no recon = failure.
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It’s just that things are moving along with the d.
Your W is already D'd in her mind. The rest is just a formality. You need to let go of trying to save your M, it's already on a cold slab with a toe tag. Set your sights on the future, make yourself the most awesome Wolfman you can be and then maybe down the road you'll be working on a new R with her.
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I am trying real hard to GAL, detaching, and 180. At least on the surface it looks like it has no effect.
As long as you GAL to get her attention it will not help you drop the rope and it will not attract her back. Change your focus!
