I'm having lots of conflicting thoughts about my sitch these last few days. In some ways I do feel my H coming closer to me, but in a lot of ways those moments that used to give me hope just feel meaningless at this point. Those little things that in the recent past felt like signs of hope do not feel that way right now. It feels like we are just back to the plateau. I have continued to distance myself from him as much as I can while remaining warm and open. My therapist told me that at this point she feels like His ceaing of the divorce talk has less to do with him reconsidering us, and more to do with his inertia/paralysis around difficult logistical things (ie filing for divorce) combined with his desire to maintain a safely distant attachment/relationship with me (ie cake eating). And it is entirely possible that she is right and that is all this is. Once again I find myself at a point where if that IS all this is, I don't want to be a part of it. if he is trying to have a half marriage with me, I don't want to give that to him. At the same time, I can't completely silence the tiny voice that keeps telling me "just wait, he is warming up to you." UGH.
H and I were talking about an upcoming Saturday on which our daughter has 2 birthday parties to attend, one whose mom is a friend of mine, and another for the child of his oldest,closest friend. When we discussed the logistics he suggested that we all go to both. This is significant because aside from the suggestion that we all spend the day together, he is inviting me to a social event with all of his closest friends. That hasn't happened since we separated a year ago. I was shocked, but played it off super casually and agreed that would be nice for our daughter. In my head, it felt like it must be a step forward, for him to want to include me with his friends after all this time.
But the more I think about it, I have doubts. Doubts about whether I should go, and doubts about whether or not his inviting me is meaningful in any way. Going would be a bit nerve wracking for me, especially since there would surely be questions from the wives as to the meaning of my presence after all this time. Of course, if this would be a step toward recombining our lives, I would have to face that kind of awkwardness, and would be fine doing so. But part of me can't imagine why I'd put myself in that position without knowing there is a reason to do so.
Do I go, on the off chance that my H is including me for a material reason (ie to experiment with how it feels to have me there, to slowly reintroduce me into his life)? Or do I decline, on the more likely chance that it's for no reason at all (ie just a casual invite that could possibly end in some serious cake eating in which I spend the afternoon chasing after our daughter and fielding awkward questions I can't answer, while he has a beer with his buddies.) ?