Complex WW and/or MLC #3

[P_Jam]

LH 19,

Generally speaking my timeline is flexible based on things that do/don't happen over the next few months with the exception of a general commitment to seeing if this relationship is salvageable or not. I want to date her again, I want to win back her respect and love (without sacrificing my own integrity and growth) therefore I won't date her without SOME commitment to not seeing other people. I do not expect her to move back in right away. I want the apartment to be as much of plan 'b' for me/us as it might be for her. I will have no way to know if she is/will cheat on me again but she too will have the same issue/concern on my side. We will both be taking some risks that require trust.

My general timeline is to let her know that my "waiting" for her is not infinite and that I will need to know one way or the other (in the next 30-45 days) giving her 3 months out of the house and when that conversations happens allowing about another 30 days to actually respond/answer to what she wants to do. I do not expect to go 'back' to a 'marriage' only to have a basic commitment to start over and do work together to see if we are able to get over the infidelity and resentment. It is essentially and ultimatum to work on this together or not.

I've always maintained that my W does not really fit into some of the stereotypes that seem to be so consistent here with WW/WAS. Of course some of the scripts are the same as well as some of the actions but there are many that are not. Essentially she found out about my previous infidelity at the same time I found out about hers. I have to accept that her pain in this area is real and just as fresh as my wounds. There is no doubt she justified her actions based on years of resentment that has built up, as she did not know about mine when she cheated but that does not change the pain for her. I believe that both of us WANT this to work out as she has made it clear that she can look back and remember many good times. We just don't know how to do it and we both wonder if too much damage has been done for it to actually work.

I also believe that DB'ing and the short amount of time/space has started to give us both opportunity to reflect and wonder what MIGHT be possible both with and without each other. I think we both wonder what we should do. I do not believe she is committed to leaving me yet. She has questions, she has resentment, she has decided the old relationship is over (as have I) but she has not decided that it can't be fixed. I do believe there is a possibility I could be "plan b" and she very well might decide that she still doesn't think it's possible and therefore not worth the work/effort. But I do not believe she is saying/doing the things she is; ONLY to find another branch before leaving this one. Essentially I expect baby steps in the right direction, and if she decides she wants to 'try' I expect MC. But I also know it's possible in the next few months that she may relapse. I actually just hope I don't find out about it. As I do believe that she will either get through it in time and/or finally make a clear decision that she is no longer willing to work on it. I know it's not full DB'ing but I believe she needs to see and feel that fulfillment is possible inside this relationship. I think her biggest fear is trying (knowing it will take a lot of work/time) only to find out she is still not fulfilled. Therefore aside from feeling some loss (of me and the relationship) she also needs to see and feel potential - which I'm not sure she will get by the generally rigid DB strategy. We both need the opportunity to be vulnerable again with each other. Stupid or not, I'm willing to take the risk with her and put myself out there. Knowing full well she could crush me again. I will not do it blindly and without some fear, but I would still do it anyway.

In short, I know it has not been 'long enough' but right now I don't believe that a little pursuit will actually push her farther away. I know it will not solve the issues, but I am getting the feeling/signs that she does actually want to see some action from me towards her. I will take it very slow but do believe I should be backing off LRT a little and reminding her that she is worth the effort to me and that the next relationship will be different.