IMO rehashing every "wrong" thing you did repeatedly will only cause you more chaos. I know because preDB I did it. Over. And over. And over. I stopped talking to W abt that at the end of last year but continually beat myself up internally over and over again. I still do it occasionally but it has diminished post DBing.
So true. My first apology letter went over everything I did wrong the last 18 months. The follow-up letters were more specific. I read about Emotional Abuse. I admitted to a lot of "wrong" behaviors. I meant it, it was not disingenuous. My intention was to truly apologize and work on moving on as a couple. Instead it appears I just confirmed her story was the correct one.
Originally Posted by IronWill
PS I know I said it before, but there is no way in [censored] i would go to a MC with a W that didn't want to work on the R.
I agree with your sentiment. But dumb question - how do I figure out my W's intention here? She is an emotional brick wall and reveals nothing.
She's already revealed to me she doesn't want to work on the R, or at least won't talk about it, which is one and the same to me. I could accelerate the process and initiate R talk, or use this limbo "gift of time" to work on myself, as excruciating as it is to endure and suffer longer.
I have had a few ideas:
1. Contact the MC ahead of time (our prior MC held a brief phone chat with each of us individually about our vision for the R). And just tell the MC I'm not interested if W does not want to work on the R.
--> Partly I want to do this to feel out how the MC handles these situations. Do they just more or less give up on the M in this case ( "It takes 2 to stay M'd, 1 to D") ? Or do they try?
2. Tell my W directly that I will only go to MC if she wants to work on the M and stay M'd if possible.
--> This one seems like a bad idea. First of all, I am supposed to be oblivious right now, and given her current negative headspace I don't know how she is liable to react if she realizes I'm in the know. Secondly, she could easily say "Yes" and go to 1-2 sessions and just throw her hands up and say "forget it." I guess my point is... I don't trust my W to be honest here even if I do ask here.
3. Go to MC, be prepared with my response to a D request (short statement and then walk out), and otherwise say almost nothing until my W reveals her cards.
Any other ideas? #3 seems the best to me given the circumstances.
