Thinking a lot about all these responses this morning...
We all tell ourselves stories. A true narcissist will spin the most positive story imaginable. Some of us are overly negative and tell ourselves self-defeating stories. All of these stories have their own truth.
My story does not align with my W's story. I don't know her story. Part of my story is that she chooses not to share, and in withdrawing so far, makes it almost impossible to repair the R. Maybe that's just my story, not hers. I am positive that my narrative and my W's narrative are completely misaligned, and also that they both contain a lot of truth.
We come to DB hoping to change our spouse's narrative. We stick with DB because we realize the fight is to change our own internal narrative, so we can move on. And hopefully our spouse will adapt their own story as well - but they have to do that on their own terms and their own time.
***
I think I made a minor mistake last night. W and I ended up talking for awhile... first about kids and school stuff, then about updates with her family and friends. In all, this was maybe a 1 hour conversation, probably too long. Even at that length, I still ended up being the one to cut it off. I validated, remained friendly, everything was just absolutely fine AOK. Virtually no talk about me. I didn't insert myself into the conversation.
Now I'm thinking... this is exactly what we did for the last several months. Lots of generic "safe" talk topics, almost exclusively about her. I wouldn't say I am in the FriendZone, but I am firmly in the "we only talk about safe topics" zone. I'm not overly analyzing why she does this, it could be several things: she just does it without thinking, she is trying to manage me so I don't feel completely detached and "go bonkers," she is testing my emotional state, she is trying to figure out how I am feeling.
And I'm thinking... if this D happens, I am not going to be there to talk about her family's health issues, or her friends. I just won't. That is something my W will lose. It is a boundary, I have already decided it. I would still talk about our kids with her, at least as far as it pertains to effective co-parenting.
So maybe part of DB at this point should be withdrawing, or shortening up the conversation when it gets to those topics? I like the opportunity to feel connected, and show her I care, and change my communication a little bit and not problem-solve or insert my opinion as much. But I've been doing a pretty good job listening to her in this way for years, it's not like suddenly I'm DB'g and so now I listen so much better. This is incremental change. There is no major 180 here, nothing that would stick out.
I dunno... it also feels like maintaining the status quo which is really anti-DB. Maybe it is meaningless either way -- not sure if this is really an area to make a 180 or do much of anything. Time is running out until July, when I think the BD is coming -- maybe it's a mistake to even worry about the BD, that I should seek motivation from within and not some timeline.
Maybe time is not running out. Maybe W really will approach MC as an opportunity. Doubtful but who knows?
I don't know. So many maybes. I'm so exhausted trying to figure it out. I'm staring at a brick wall and trying to see through it. My eyes hurt.
