I am very sorry that you are feeling unsupported or frustrated by the forum. I hope you will at the very least consider what I say. I have been reading here consistently for about 5 years -- longer than I have been posting -- and I have seen people get offended, hurt, or simply not agree with the advice. I have myself at times felt this way and unfortunately I think I have rubbed a few people the wrong way too. Sometimes I avoid posting because of it! Other times I really try and be mindful of the way I word things. I am still learning too! Overall though, I know without a doubt that the advice here is the only way to save a M and more so, the only way we can save ourselves.
I hope you will reconsider giving up on us. I am not sure how many other people's threads you have read, but there are so many wonderful people here and they truly want to help others. Everyone here has been through a similar heartbreak and devastation. Some of us have been able to recover our Ms (like Sandi, Steve85 and myself) and many unfortunately do not. However, we all have one common goal in mind when we post. We all want to give solid advice that will help do two things. #1. increase the likelihood that our spouses will eventually return to the M, and #2. help posters heal emotionally, detach from an unhealthy need for someone else, and thus learn to grow as people verses allowing it to take us down and become destructive. What I firmly believe is that you cannot have #1 before #2.
Here is where I want to change your mind a bit. So please just hear me out. You mention that the book does not condone game playing, and I completely agree. I have read her books myself. I want to assure you that no one here is suggesting that you play games or do anything vastly different. Here is the twist. The more we read posters' stories and the more we share our own stories, the further we come to understand that we all share something in common -- an unhealthy need for someone else. When we are rejected and in the trenches, we tend to cling on even tighter. This soon spirals into desperation and thus desperate behaviors. This no longer serves reconciling a M and it no longer serves us personally. In fact the opposite begins to transpire -- we cling to them tighter and then as a result, they run away even faster. We being to lose ourselves and then we lose our M beyond repair.
By reading here and by helping others, I have learned that I cannot control anyone other than myself. I cannot control my H and what he will do. He is a person of his own freewill and so am I. I must allow him to make his own choices in life. What I can control is the kind of person that I want to be -- I still have a lot of work to do. I want to be stronger, healthier and happier. I want to know that I am okay with my M intact, but also that I will be okay in life without it. The only thing I was left to do, was to let him go. He learned to fall on his own and that I would not catch him. In the mean time, I learned self preservation and to be the best version of myself so that he would want to come back. And if he didn't, I knew I could still have a beautiful life.
I am not suggesting that you are doing anything wrong. I have a lot more thoughts on your sitch and I would love to offer you support. If that does not interest you, then I completely respect that too. I sincerely want you to reconsider. I see hope that your H will come back around. I also know from experience that it can take a very, very long time. It can be a dark and difficult road, and you deserve support and advice to help you through it.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
