New to this - need to talk

[DnJ]

Good Morning bdp

Was saying stuff about me and how she feels like there is just too much distance between us now. She wishes she had feelings for me because it would make things so much easier. Basically my wife is deciding what to do, try to make things work with me or choose to divorce.

This is pretty accurate bdp. You are seeing what your W is doing. How she is trying to decide.

This is nice an intellectual, no emotions. This is one way of how you uncouple or detach your response from her emotions and behaviour. Well done!

She is not as cold and distant as she used to be. I can absolutely tell something internally is bothering her. Her last comment to me was that she does not have feelings for me, you can't change feelings and that she may never of had feelings for me. As in I was never her soulmate. She also admitted to having thoughts that she was going insane.

Again, remaining accurate in thinking about the situation. I do like the working on, and questions towards, understanding; another ingredient for detaching and eventually compassion and letting go. Remember to put your energies into focus on you.

My W also thought she was going insane, and the soulmate idea was similar. The MLCer usually finds a soulmate, that fantasy ideal of a person. That ideal is really all in their head, even if they are seeing someone, they are heavily projecting upon that person and overlooking a lot of stuff; not the least of is that the OP is seeing a married person. The MLCer doesn’t realize the soulmate idea until they found/feel one. That having an awaking feeling, I am finally alive and living my life, is a pretty common thing for an MLCer. It’s to be expected, very very few people, almost no one is the villain in their own life story.

I know my wife is depressed and lost. But what if she wishes she had feelings. How do I go about letting her go, sandis rules when it feels like we are 2 distance ships sailing away from each other.

The other issue is "detaching". She is communicating with me again, things are pleasant. She told her sister that the last 3 months we have been distancing from each other. How the heck do you detach if this makes her feel more distant.

You aren’t making her feel. She makes herself feel. You don’t control her.

By the way, you make you feel as well. No one makes you feel anything, you do that. So does she. Now, yes we do give control over to others usually unknowingly. This is not a direct control, just a very strong influence. Detachment removes that irrational influence and regains control.

That is what detachment is - you returning control of your emotions to you. Goes hand in hand with focus on you. Detachment uncoupled the irrational uncontrolled emotional responses of you in regard to W’s behaviour and her emotion state. You are not throwing her away, or anything like that, just regaining yourself. It is very important, and needed, to figure out who who are. It is also the best and only place your should make major decisions from - detached and intellectual is better than dependent and emotional.

Her feelings are all over the map. You should not be using her feelings as a guide for what you should be doing, you should also not be using your feelings either. Feelings do and will change. Find detachment, find your beliefs and convictions. This takes time and effort; and you are well on your way - honest - it’s true. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

DnJ