Reading here helps me too, Dilly. It seems very obvious to me what a poster needs to do when I read their sitch, because the actions of the departed spouse very often fall into a regular pattern. Then in my own situation I end up thinking, 'well, they don't know him like I know him,' or 'it's more complicated than that' when in actual fact it isn't. I am not sure my H is having a mid-life crisis (maybe we're too young for that yet - we're in our mid 30s) but he's certainly depressed, miserable, blaming everyone else for it and making himself and his family's lives awful and I am done letting him do it to us. It feels kind of liberating to have made that decision.
Perhaps the more detached you are the more relaxed your H feels, and when he feels relaxed, he is able to behave a bit better. He doesn't feel you scrutinising or examining him, which means he can act more naturally. Do you think that's what is happening?
I will have to have a think about trigger times. Generally during the week I am okay. I find the first thing I wake up in the morning quite sad sometimes, but then again I have the dog that needs seeing to now so no time to dwell. I find when H is here quite hard, and when he goes I feel relief and then sadness that I feel relief. That's tricky to deal with, and I'm thinking of having a boundary there - that he sees the kids at his own place and picks them up and drops them off from school so he has no need to come to the house. Being here and letting me cook for everyone while he hangs out for them suits him - of course it does - but I am not sure it is suiting me so well.
