I do think you're right - his behaviour was abusive and at times continues to be so. But we have been together 14 years and the behaviour I'm describing really only happened in the last couple of years. I've thought about it a lot and I am sure of that. I think it is related to his increased work stress and the way I react needily when he withdraws from me because of his stress. None of which excuses things - not at all - but it does mean I have some faith in his capacity to change these behaviours. I want to see him acknowledge they were wrong and work to change them rather than blame them on me or his working circumstances, and as that hasn't happened, there's no chance I would live with him again. Even very early on in our separation I noticed how much I enjoyed the break from the relentless negativity and moaning and criticism and nitpicking and how much the kids and I have flourished in the absence of that. I am not putting myself and them back into that environment for anything.
What perhaps goes back much further than the last couple of years is his underlying negativity and lack of interest in the world. I don't know if that's depression, or selfishness, or just the way he is. I think I was like that too - very negative and closed off. This separation and my therapy (and I don't think it is any co-incidence I got into that about 2 years ago too) has helped me to release a lot of baggage and start to enjoy the world and my life again. To really take care of myself and to feel gratitude for my life. To enjoy my friends and start to be a supportive person to my friends rather than just the moaning person with emotional problems. I've changed, and I am trying to encourage that perspective in the kids, so when he turns up and sits at the table whining and moaning and glowering and criticising, I think we all breathe a bit of a sigh of relief when he leaves. I do feel pity for him at the moment. And that's hardly a basis for a relationship either.
I don't need a D in that he's not financially irresponsible and I could take on all bills and support the kids totally fine on my single wage from tomorrow, if needed. The mortgage is coming up for renewal in a couple of months and I think we will need to have a discussion then about what to do with the house. If we're not going to start MC with the view to exploring an R then I want a more regular arrangement with contact with the kids, him seeing them in his own place, and not treating my home like his home when he is here. That might involve a change to our financial arrangements. I can wait until he's done this project and recovered before initiating a conversation on that, and I will decide whether or not I want to go to MC in the next couple of weeks too.
I need to think about myself first. The fact is, I have no idea what reflection or work he's done, or what he currently believes about our R and his own behaviour and my behaviour. I know he wants to repair our relationship, and I can't believe he wants things to just go back to the way they were - he must have been unhappy too - but I don't know what changes he wants to see and what he envisages a future looking like. I'd like to know those things and perhaps MC is the place to find them out. I also want to be able to tell him some things that fear of his reaction has prevented me from saying. I need him to really acknowledge and understand the effect his behaviour has had on me and the children - to really get it - and I don't know if I need to wait for that to sink in before we go to MC or if MC is the place where I will tell him that and the therapist will help him to hear it.
I have a busy weekend planned with loads of GAL with the kids - I am looking forward to it. Then leaving for my week away on Monday. I am not sure I will be able to update next week, though I am sure I will be doing lots of thinking and reflecting in my journal and it will do me good. I can't wait!
