U - best to feel the pain and not block it. But don't live in it. Having issues with that today, big time.
Also - very important for W to not see you feeling this way. I got home today in anguish after losing it in IC then again on the way home in traffic. I open the door and W was home. made the pain intensify so I took the dog for a walk to calm down and get my head back on straight.
Big time slip today. BIL was visiting the last few days, said goodbye tonight. He started telling me "Hey man both you guys need to be happy" and I was getting choked up and just nodding my head. I was thinking, I may never see this dude again. Probably should have kept my emotions in check and just stopped him and acted all casual. It was a moment of weakness. It was like, this guy sees that we are both unhappy. W was out of the room but clearly within earshot. Now she is acting goofy. I'm aware with her self-diagnosis of me as BPD and an Emotional Abuser that she will think I was splitting. Only thing I said during the trip to BIL was when he asked if we were having more kids, and I just gave him a look. And he remarked a couple times how stressed out my W seemed.
So yeah, that didn't go great. I'm sure she's worried about her family's reaction when the BD happens. It's not like I've ingratiated myself with them in a manipulative way, but I do love them, as flawed as some of the individuals are, moreso than my FOO. I have no master plan to get her family to take sides. I don't really care. I will miss those relationships, but it is what it is.
Obviously BIL doesn't know what has gone on between us behind closed doors. He's not M'd, he has no kids, he doesn't really
At some point soon, I will post here about all the details of our conflict the last 2 years, both what I admit was emotionally abusive, and things I consider not to be abusive, and the in-between stuff that I think is murky. Things just get really weird where I don't think it is clear-cut. But I need to air this out soon, because I am confused. I've read 3 different books about Emotional Abuse in the last 2 months, I've discussed with my IC, with my close friends... and I'm so confused. I think I did a few abusive things, driven by NGS and fear of abandonment. And once that infected our M, a lot of conflict could easily be viewed as Emotional Abuse. I am so afraid of being in denial, or minimizing what I have done, but there are things I've been accused of like financial control which are just flat out not true.
I hear all the time how abusers always claim the issue is communication.... But it's impossible to work through issues with no communication. Affection was a problem - I sought it needily, and agreed to stop. Now... did I punish my W by withholding affection, when we literally had an agreement that I would ask her before I try to hold her hand? And after she says no the first 3 times, and I stop asking, what does that mean? I can tell you... I certainly was not of the mindset of punishing her. I was thinking... I want her to take the lead, she is uncomfortable with me, and maybe we will reach a point where things aren't so weird between us.
Anyways, I guess my position in the M is the same. My W's narrative remains: "I need to BD this Emotional Abuser" as far as I can tell. And I'm smart enough to know that my odds are zero in this case.
