You guys talk about things not being two dimensional and I would agree. Each one of our situations are complex and have many dimensions. In fact, if you read other threads here most of them include multiple hardships before and after BD, including infidelity, lies, difficulty with children, financial strain, addiction, etc, etc ... So please do not confuse my word choices of "abuser" and "victim" to mean that your situation is somehow two dimensional or simple. Quite the contrary. I still reserve my position that your H's behavior is abuse and should never be excused, even if you believe you have provoked it. Abuse is never okay and the victim of the abuse is never to blame. Sure, we teach others how to treat us and that we will allow it, but that does not excuse it either. And, some people really will not mistreat others in this way, even when life gets rough or it is provoked.

I have read 100s of posters here and i have read yours. We often look for similarities between our sitches because it makes us more comfortable and we feel we can relate to one another. There are however as many differences as there are similarities, some obvious some not. I mean, it's not as if we ever see the entire story 100%. If any of our spouses posted, they would tell a different side. All I have to go by is what I read here. Your words describing your H trouble me and I worry for you.

And I do think that some behaviors are worse than others. The behaviors that you describe -- name calling, sarcasm, the way he speaks to your son, belittling, withholding affection as a form of punishment, an incident of physical violence -- are all abuse. I am using the word abuse because I find it extreme and something that by simply using "techniques" highlighted here, will not fix it. Abusive people must do a lot of very hard work on their own to overcome this, and their first step is understanding that they have a problem.

My H was a real jerk. He had an A with my friend and left our home for awhile. It was absolutely a horrific time. But he was not abusive. Even with the constant turmoil, conflict and stress, he never did or said things that were cruel or abusive. He did not do or say any of the behaviors that you have been describing your H does. So I do think it's important to understand that even if we are all going through the same struggles, there are also differences. We owe it to each other to be honest here and not just be friendly and validate. That doesn't help us make good decisions.

It is up to you if you take your H back or not. Everyone here will support you and is pro-M. I just think at the very least you should give it several years and require that he really work on himself and make some serious changes. He should not be able to go on acting this way and harming others. If he will not change for himself or his M, he at least should for your kids' sake.

Sorry to be blunt. I left my abuser in my 20s. He went on and had the exact same drama with the next woman. I did not. You do not have to put up with this cr-p anymore.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela