Unichen. you have no idea how much I resonate with you exactly what you're saying I had a response written up this morning to send to you but I wanted to revise it first. I feel that you and I are in the same exact situation is being accused of the same exact things and being a manipulated in the same exact way even though they accuse us of doing the same. I'm sorry but I'm not buying all of this emotionally abusive bull$hit. I have a question for you do you feel or think that your wife is manipulating you and holding control over you? my other question is how emotionally volatile have you been and is it getting too far and few in between as time passes? I was doing good for about 2 or 3 weeks and then I had another relationship talk and a minor freak out over absolutely nothing. Just before I went to therapy the next day I figured out why it's because I'm constantly misunderstood by W, and I'm frustrated as f@!�. not because I'm not getting the results that I want, that the house is going up for sale that were moving and separating, but because I feel like anything and everything I could say will never get acknowledged, my own point of view will never be seen or heard, I could own up some 1,000 of my mistake on the list, and they will never figure out what they contributed to the downfall, and it won't be our place to point out either.
after taking a lot of stock of our marital history I realize our communication issues we have been passing right over at one another since the beginning of the marriage, and even parts while dating. I came to realize she had relationship issues with her father and relating to him and probably doesn't understand men too well, despite having three brothers. what I see and have always seen as somewhat of a feminist mindset. My wife has been documenting my behaviors too, she is after all the behavioral specialist. What the kick in the pants is she fails to see her own inside relationships. She thinks she's a pathetic but she's not, she wants to be seen and heard but she sees no one else. She doesn't make herself vulnerable and keeps certain thoughts private especially with journaling. I've come to realize that these resentments that she Harbors she's not only done it with me but ex-boyfriend's too. Her and her family insisted on inviting my brother's ex-wife to our wedding to watch my nieces who are the flower girls and it created a big Fiasco especially because my brother had a very nasty divorce with the woman. They wanted to copy and paste their ideals to take precedence over our situation of my family. My family is a bit dysfunctional and I'm a product of that yes. I come from a conflict family but we lay all our feelings out on the table and resolve things whether it's loud or not. Her family avoids conflict like the plague and pussyfoot surround everyone yet all the while talking behind their backs. There was so many red flags with the beginning of our marriage, from her side and mine, yeah we both chose to ignore it. Because I come from a conflict family I could be taken as emotionally abusive. If you add her stuff with her father being an alcoholic and emotionally removed from his daughter. You can apparently see why she doesn't understand men, and take someone of a strong feminist position, especially when her mother who was awesome, but was always in a constant state of denial of the father's anxiety issues ( drinking smoking excetera.) He's a Vietnam vet now that has dementia. The mother always want along with what he decided said and shows because that's how she was raised. So what my wife Wanda being is a bit of a blend between the two but yet being somewhat of a feminist mindset. She will side with women over her own husband even strangers. I can give you a justification list of hers that's a mile long, that she keeps repeating to me, that she keeps observing and recording. But I've been doing my own observations and writing things down as well. they can't see themselves they won't see themselves and you can't point that out to them. Let them go. If you want to spend your time compulsively thinking about all these things like me just to figure out how to be better in relationships, where things went wrong, how to improve on them, learn, grow, etc, i can understand that, although not healthy. That's why you GAL. Everyone needs introspectiveness and self discovery to a degree. Let go of the idea of who you thought they were both so they're obviously not who you think they are, especially now. They don't see a future with you 5 years 10 years or 30 years from now, and they don't care about past history or experiences, it no longer means or has sentimental value to them any longer.
With humility I've looked at my own side of things and she hasn't but I've actually come to the point now where I don't like what I see now, don't want to trust, dont want to pursue, and don't want to reconcile. I see selfishness coming from someone who was never selfish & always puts others first, and now regrets it and is becoming selfish as a way of saving herself and her identity.
I've realized that we were compatible enough, and had enough discovery, common interest, and love to last 10 years. We were both working on ourselves when we met and we both stopped and she has mentioned that to me and wish that we didn't stop. I realized that the communications the common interest, the complacency of marriage, the emotional and mental compatibility all went out the window from M day 1.
I'm getting my papers in affairs in order and I'm pulling the trigger 100%, wish me luck and I'll let everyone know if I change my mind again. At the very least I'll have everything ready to go. I don't like this person that I see and I don't like what I've become in front of and to this person. Go and find yourself Unichen. if we have to think about things compulsively to find answers then do it but balance it out with some happiness even if it's temporary
