U - let me give you a glimpse into a not so distant future.
It is almost 2 years since BD for me. I was devastated, blindsided and thought my life was over. My exW didn't want a chance to repair the M and didn't want to go to MC. I asked her three times to reconsider and the last time she told me that this was 'permanent'. To not be even allowed a chance stung like nothing else. Like our 12 year relationship had no value for her to salvage, not to mention 2 kids now in the mix.
I also suffered from NGS. I was hugely conflict-avoidant. I was depressed.
exW threw some breadcrumbs and I took the bait and suffered basically another crushing blow of BD. Even though the board here told me exactly what was going to happen, I didn't trust and had the need to find out for myself. And folks here were absolutely right about how it went down. I put myself through unnecessary pain to get 'confirmation' that she was done.
But after that I put DB into practice. I didn't look back. I did the internal work, went GAL, confronted the pain and my demons and started on a path of personal growth. It was tough and I went through bouts of hopelessness and grieving the loss of my time with the kids. Having the kids half the time nearly destroyed me. I remember sitting in my home without the kids and asking myself - what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Fast forward to now. I am emotionally stable and mature, mentally strong, and I have great clarity about myself and also what I want in a partner. I put in the work. exW hasn't put in the work. I can clearly now see her emotional issues and how she's basically still in the same place, just with new window dressing that covers up her failings.
If she came for recon now, my answer would be a solid NO. I could never in a million years have believed 2 years ago that I would have that answer to her. Life without her was inconceivable to me then. Now, I know what I want and I will not settle for less. She is not the partner I want. She would have to do tremendous amount of personal work, gain humility, let go of entitlement, and be genuinely remorseful for me to even TRY. And i emphasize 'try' because I can't guarantee that I'd take her back even if she did all the work.
Am I placing too much burden on her? Not at all. I went and did all of that by MYSELF without any help. the support I got from family and some friends was important, but when I rested my head on the pillow, it was me and my mind. hence my tagline here - no one is coming to save you! No matter what support you have, you have to actually put in the work and fight for yourself - no one else is capable of doing it for you.
I know this future may seem ridiculous to you right now. It did to me. But I saved myself in this process and DB and this community was instrumental in my path.
So, when we say that invest in yourself and you'll be fine either way, we are speaking from experience. Don't worry about any specific tactics and being able to achieve it with perfection. Invest in yourself and it's all gonna be gravy and champagne.
