Time to vent... rough night... this is going to be a scattered mess of a post...
So W has been texting a couple friends about her situation. One said, “He is just losing it!” Another said “I’m so sorry about your sitch.” This was during a night in which I was in the guest area doing a hobby of mine. I don’t want to share too many details, including why these texts were apparent to me. It was a huge accident on W’s part, I was not snooping. This was about 10 days ago. Maybe DB’ing over the last 10 days is helping, I really have no idea. At the same time tonight W was fairly friendly to me, cordial, made me a snack. Maybe just keeping the peace, who knows.
It’s taking everything I have not to call out my W at this point. I’m so worried she is trying to document my every little move for custody or financial reasons. She took a picture of a post-it I wrote 3 weeks ago that literally said “BOK” — (yes, it meant “Be Okay”) and uploaded it to the cloud. One of my friends (hit with a BD divorce with 3 young kids also several years ago) advised me to sit tight, don’t respond, just keep breathing and act normal. No need to accelerate a process that took, beginning to end, 2 years for him. Also told me he is a much happier person today. And that she can’t take my kids away, what to expect through the process, etc. Just so... frustrating.
I’ve had about 3 hours now to decompress a bit. I was oh-so-close to just telling my W I know what is going on. To tell her that I knew in March, that is why I pulled over the car to try to talk, why I wrote 3 over-the-top apology letters, why I’ve tried so hard to communicate, and now why I’ve backed off. I want her to understand... but I know she never will. She fell out of love, never told me, and then acted like I was crazy for trying to win her back. I made mistakes... she also made mistakes. Tonight this feels like the last straw for me, that maybe now I can move on. We’ll see when I wake up tomorrow.
She still talks about wanting to go to MC in July. No doubt this is a plot to deliver the news easy. I know there can’t be any other plan at this point. DB’ing for 6 weeks isn’t going to change her mind.
I feel like I could accept this more easily if her narrative in her head wasn’t so far off what I think has happened. She cut me off, never tried to communicate or talk. Just gave me anger and the silent treatment for 2 months. Then when I understood what was going on, and tried to “fix” things, I screwed up and made her think I was nuts with pulling over the car and the letters and apologizing. I own my responsibility, but I just don’t get after 15 years together why she would turn like that. I get that I screwed up with the begging and pleading but still... why am I nuts for wanting to save our M?
None of this makes any sense to me, and probably never will. I don’t understand why we can’t try MC for another 3-6 months, and honestly attack our issues as a couple, and see where that leads. Maybe we D. At least we tried. I’m sure she thinks we already did but I just didn’t listen or change. She has gotten so angry when I mentioned staying at home when kids are sick - it’s almost visceral, like “Oh you’re doing that now but you couldn’t do it before” I act calmly when this happens, and say “Yes, you’re right, I didn’t do that before, and I’m sorry. I did not make family my priority. I intend to do this going forward.” But the anger... it is so telling of where I stand.
Financially this will be a complete mess - we will have to sell the house, and living in an expensive area of the country means the standard of living for everyone involved will drop significantly. My W will have to work more than we had planned. Kids? Who knows how they will handle this, I know it can go both ways. There will be battles about vacations, and who gets which holidays & birthdays, and what are the best parenting decisions for our kids?
Anyways, I managed not to react tonight, not to do anything really. I’ll count it as a Win. Worked on a home improvement task, had a short convo with W about my upcoming work travel. I validated, probably not as good as usual. She asked “Are you okay?” Which is a signal that I am quieter than usual, but I really didn’t let on. Probably could have had more of a PMA.
Thanks for reading this disorganized jumble - it’s a marathon not a sprint, I know I need to let my emotions re-balance. Might be a good thing I am on work travel next week, time to read some books on the plane and get my head straight, and get some distance from this mess. Going to miss the kiddos though...
