Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (3)

[Adam04]

Last week W had the boys and I've been over there at W request almost every day; she says the boys tell her that they miss me and they all want me over. She asked me to spend the night Thursday night all the way through Sunday morning. Friday was my son's bday party and we took him out to play laser tag and video games with big brother. It was just the 4 of us and we all had fun. We had a surprise party that evening for the bday boy.

I helped the boys get W a card, flowers and chocolates for Mother's day and I left them for the day when her family was coming over. I didn't get her anything or make breakfast. She loved the card the boys made her on top of the one the my younger son chose for her. It was a huge card with pop-outs.

W and I continued to have sex throughout the week and she did prompt some R talk. I told her we weren't going anywhere without getting over that first hurdle, which is the infidelity. She swore she didn't cheat on me with anyone and wished she had some way to prove it. I asked her what about the transparency plan and she said whatever it took. She said she knew it was her fault for getting us to this point of no trust. She said she wanted to work it out, but I felt like she wasn't pleading or begging or straight volunteering info or passwords.

When I picked up the boys that Sunday night, she was sad and later said she was crying in a text to us goodnight. She usually facetime. I told her I was giving us a chance to see if we could reconnect and see if she would open up and be forthcoming and it was too bad. I knew not to expect anything. I wanted it to be clear we weren't going anywhere and being physical should stop and that it was my fault. I told her nothing added up. None of it. So Monday and Tuesday pass and we're keeping our distance but still cordial. She hasn't come by for the boys to visit. She does facetime in the morning and at nights. We had another text exchange and this led to her saying she was very sorry and felt so guilty for all of this happening. She still claims she did not have any physical affair especially with anyone from work. I told her I couldn't believe it with everything going on and I asked her to get her boss to vouch for her, who is like her best friend. She said it was a career suicide to do that. So she couldn't and I told her when we Divorce it would come up any ways during discovery if my attorney decides to reach out and asks her boss and others that she named were there if they were really there that day. She said she hopes it doesn't come to that. I asked her about the lie detector test and if she was willing and she said yes, no problem with that. She said her work, the boys and I were her life until I lost sight of things and when I got hospitalized it was like I stopped caring. Internal bleeding, not taking care of myself, the blood pressure. The nights I thought I was going to die. She said all this made her turn away and she was so sorry for this but she never cheated on me. She is getting the medical records for the BCP. She is open about her phone. She is willing to take the polygraph and she has turned on the find me app. She was over here earlier when I asked her if she wanted to see the kids. She was happy but she was crying the whole time here. She seems sorry for what she was doing. She said she is going to choose a counselor and tell me. I didn't respond. I asked her to look into the smut books. She later texted me she realized how wrong it was when she researched it and the damage it did to relationships and she texted me a somewhat lengthy text saying she is deleting her kindle and getting self help books instead. She said she was sorry for putting me through all this pain and she felt like scum of the earth and didn't know how to forgive herself but feels like she has to put aside her feelings to work on this to rebuild the trust.

When she was over, we didn't kiss like we had been. No kissing or any intimate stuff. When she was crying, I held her in my arms on the couch for a moment because I was cooking the kids dinner. She sat and watched me taking care of my boys and she was like a fly on the wall. My boys were happy playing and I was doing what I needed to do as if she wasn't there.

Many months back, she asked if I would go on a summer trip with them and I said I don't think so. Well that has changed, I plan to go on the trip with them to Legoland. My younger son will be sitting between mom and me for comfort on the plane. He is deathly scared of planes and heights but he loves legos so much that he is willing to give it a shot. I can not miss this for the world.

So... my love for my kids, it brings tears to my eyes. I asked W to look into the effects a divorce has on the children. I asked her to think about how she felt about her job and possibly losing it as it was most of her identity. Then I told her to replace that with our two boys and how they will lose their parents for we are all they know. Think about that pain.

In all of this, she has shown no signs of rebellion or putting up a fight. She has looked into what I asked. I also am trying to internalize my actions and motives. I've tried expressing I want to be support and help guide but I don't want to be controlling. I want both of us to do the hard work and I think from what I'm seeing and hearing, she is slowly opening up to that.

I know, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. I get the picnic analogy. I expect her to yo yo back and forth.

School is ending. W and I went over the kids end of school year calendar together when she was over here. I wasn't going to pick them up early so she asked if she could. She said that it would be my week. I told her I didn't have a problem with that and since the boys wanted her to I'm all for it. I couldn't do it due to my work. We are co-parenting well.

We did hug and she tapped me on the back like one of those friendly taps and I told her no, You're not going to friend zone tap me like that. We both smiled and had this look like well what else can we do in this awkward position. I walked her down to her car since it was dark out and told her gnight.

I am in the process of looking for counselors. Not sure if there is a difference in male or female ones for men. Will choose one using the John Gottman method.

Few questions:

male or female counselor? does it matter?

When W wants to bring up R talk again, is there much more to talk about if we don't address the infidelity issue?

What are your thoughts on her taking the polygraph? I have a place and questions already.

What are your thoughts on going ahead on the transparency plan and asking for the passwords to everything and also the access to the cameras on the house. It'd be like spying to see who comes and goes.

What about poking through the phone?

I had a severe headache one time talking to her in this last week and it had something to do with the R talk but I didn't know what it was or cant remember. I was sort of shocked I was feeling this way.

I changed some info because now W is on her journey and will be out there on the internet looking for answers and help.

Earlier last week when W and I were being affectionate and physical I felt bad for the cake eating. Since I've stopped that, I've felt better. It was nice though. We shared a moment and had a glimpse of what it could be like. When I agreed to go to lego land they all were excited. We were excited to go for the kids. W even said we could take road trips and kinda jumped the gun and I did too, said we could make a bucket list for the family.


I think now would be a great time to find the right counselor.