Start living YOUR life. Stop thinking of this as figuring out a tactic that will work. Tactics have a short shelf life. You having a totally different mindset and approach to life will yield in good results whether or not she wants to stick around.
Maika - thank you, especially for making me aware that I need this fundamental change to how I approach life. This is what I need, I know it. Before finding this forum, I was a mess - all the self-help books, IC, and introspection was not helping me come to this realization.
Originally Posted by IronWill
Doing something as simple as this is what helped me get the BD. IMO It's because she sees it as you trying to get her to want what YOU want her to want, and not what she wants.
I cant tell you what to do, U. But I can tell you that doing this about 3 months ago (preDB) was an absolute disaster for me.
I made it clear in the BD that she could talk to me no matter what it was. I said it only once. She did hear it.
It's the only thing that has "worked" (I know DB is not about that). It is very little conversation, very sporadic. It lets me see just how far the M has eroded in her mind and lets me evaluate it from a different viewpoint.
IronWill - I've stopped the pursuing/chasing behavior for a good 3 weeks now. Mother's Day was tough but I think I made sensible choices for the gifts there (way scaled down from prior years, almost 100% focused on the kids).
I made it clear in my letters that I am here to talk. So yes my instinct to give her a card to say "I'm here for you" is just continuing the neediness and pursuing. I'm really glad I didn't do it -- it took a lot of restraint at the time.
Also you are right that DB'ing now for about 3 weeks I am beginning to have some perspective and distance from the M, more detached. It feels surreal and strange, but also kind of liberating.
Originally Posted by LH19
You are not listening to her. She doesn't want you to buy her gifts because it makes her feel guilty that she doesn't have feelings for you right now.
LH19 - I agree 100% on all points.
Originally Posted by LH19
Look man, I know this is extremely difficult for you right now and you are trying to do the right thing but unfortunately you are very needy and are making things way worse. If you don't start taking the advice given here your situation may reach a point of no return.
If you love her and I truly believe you do. Give her time and space to sort out her feelings. She has to choose to want to be with you. You cannot reconnect with her right now.
I think this qualifies as a 2x4?! Keep them coming, please! I love brutal honesty.
You are right about my neediness. Fortunately the last 2-3 weeks, since finding this forum, I have (mostly) stopped acting upon my misguided instincts. A lot of the things I ask about (Should I say this? Should I do that?) I quickly realize thanks to the incredible people on this forum that I need to STOP. I'm posting a ton here, partly for advice, partly as a therapeutic way to let it out so that I don't go home and let emotions take hold and then do something incredibly stupid like initiate an R talk.
I feel like I've made a lot of positive changes: - No R talk - No MC talk unless she initiates. I respond "OK" - No unnecessary texts. No ILY, No "How are you?' No "What are you up to?". Just kids and logistics. - GAL - at night, taking walks, restarting an old hobby. - PMA - maximize the quality of my time I spend with my kids - Tons of validation. Eye contact, restating her feelings, no subject changes, no problem-solving. - No future talk. I literally have no idea what we are doing this summer. Normally we plan out trips, etc. - No asking whether certain chores should be done. Just doing them, as I see them needing done. - No displays of emotions - sadness, anger, frustration. Even-steven. Let them out when driving to/from work, or on walks. - No affection seeking. We are down to a daily hug when I leave for work - if she initiates, I reciprocate, otherwise, I leave. - No hanging around hoping to spend time together. Some nights we end up watching a TV show together. - No questions about what she did today, who she is texting, has she heard from so-and-so, etc. - Boundaries - the other day, she was worked up about the kids acting up while she was watching them, but I also had to start dinner. So I just said, "I can help watch the kids, or I can start dinner, but I cannot do both." Rather than letting myself get stressed out trying to please her.
