I'm in the same boat so I've been letting W talk to me when she wants. I made it clear in the BD that she could talk to me no matter what it was. I said it only once. She did hear it.
It's the only thing that has "worked" (I know DB is not about that). It is very little conversation, very sporadic. It lets me see just how far the M has eroded in her mind and lets me evaluate it from a different viewpoint.
A big problem that occurs is it takes awhile to understand and truly implement DB. What you just described as not DB is totally DB. When your spouse approaches you to talk you make eye contact, listen and validate.
