I returned from a work trip about a month ago with a simple gift, and she not only said "You don't have to get me a gift" but said it several times.
Doing something as simple as this is what helped me get the BD. IMO It's because she sees it as you trying to get her to want what YOU want her to want, and not what she wants.
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Before things eroded, I used to stop at the store sometimes to bring her flowers.
I cant tell you what to do, U. But I can tell you that doing this about 3 months ago (preDB) was an absolute disaster for me.
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Attention doesn't seem like what she wants right now either.
I'm in the same boat so I've been letting W talk to me when she wants. I made it clear in the BD that she could talk to me no matter what it was. I said it only once. She did hear it.
It's the only thing that has "worked" (I know DB is not about that). It is very little conversation, very sporadic. It lets me see just how far the M has eroded in her mind and lets me evaluate it from a different viewpoint.
Right now I'm aiming for calming the stormy seas. Once that happens, if it does, I can take baby steps to seeing if we can be friends again.
Originally Posted by LH19
Or you could giver her time and space to sort through her feelings which is mainly what DB suggests.
I guess I feel like I'm waffling between 2 extremes... [/quote]
I feel your pain. This will be in the background for a while. But it gets less over time.
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Limbo is a super-confusing place, especially when you throw in the accusations of emotional abuse, some of which are true, some of which are not. When every attempt to communicate you have to worry you will be documented, that you are being analyzed, that she may use this as some piece of evidence later... it is emotionally exhausting. My trust in my W has eroded. I think she is being secretive. She's on her phone a lot. I'm on my phone a lot. Honestly, I don't see us getting through this without MC, so maybe DB until MC is the right choice. I would hate to look back and regret that I didn't do more to try to reconnect, especially since this erosion has been going on for months, but I just don't know how to do that. I am working hard on validating when we do talk, which is maybe one way the door may re-open again in the future. OK now I'm just rambling...
It's hard to know what is the right thing to do. I trusted my gut and did things the old way for a long time and got negative results and excruciating pain. I started doing some 180s and got a few limited neutral results - but way better than any pain in months. Time will tell if it will stick or not.
