Yes, off on a walking holiday. The plan is to spend a lot of time alone and outside, and in poor weather and at night, spend a lot of time reading and eating nice things. I want to look inside and see what I want, process some more of this sadness, and also take a proper break from everything. I am tired and I need it. I hope that with me being out of the way there's a change in how things are between the kids and H, but that's not in my control so I will just see what happens there.
Journalling: I am feeling very peaceful today. Sad in some ways, as the more I think of myself, the more I think that what H is offering isn't enough and I need to listen to myself, instead of accepting it then punishing him for it not being enough. I don't want to be looked after, but I do want to be honestly known and to honestly know someone else, and H has no real curiosity about me, or interest in disclosing about himself (the blame and the deflection do a brilliant job of keeping who he really is secret from me). He's free to do that, of course, but I am not sure I want to be in a relationship like that. Perhaps things will change. Perhaps the MC will be a way of us getting to know each other again, if I decide to go. I really want to ask him what is different for him this time, and use his answer to make my decision, but I am not sure that right now is the exact best time to ask. He's ill again, and in the last couple of weeks of this project he just can't have time off. I think I will see him tonight but I plan to just DB and be kind without getting too close. I am starting to wonder if ending the marriage with H for me is not a one time decision I will make after a period of deliberation, but something that happens very slowly as the end result of lots of little decisions concerned with setting healthy boundaries and putting my own and the kids' best interests before his. It's a shame if that is the path I am on, but I am not turning back now.
