Feeling lost, scared and still fighting it... why?

[Turbine]

Morning all. Not good, just morning.
Tomorrow I should be divorced. We fought this morning, argued, shouted. I told her I wish I never got my inheritance. That I wish I were dead every minute since she said and filed for divorce.
I regret our fight. I am sorry and can't tell or show her. I am loathsome and my returning to the Church is fake.
Only God and Jesus know for sure.
I only know despite all this I love her.

Started digging faster and faster.

Not feeling good about myself right now...