Now I understand WHY the M is dead (totally breaks my heart), WHY I have to grow NOW, and that it will just never be the same (this completely floors me). All this pain to grow, then we get a new mess to support and heal when it's all over (maybe), and after all that...... accept it's a choice for me and for W to stay together each day. That freaking [censored]. One of the things I LOVED about my M (and I guess will soooo miss forever) is the absolute peace, trust and certainty that I thought was eternal. That aspect is gone, and will never return.
That "aspect" never existed to begin with. You, me and most others here were extremely naive in that regard. We just THOUGHT that our marriages were safe and secure and untouchable. They never were. If we had all known that and had actually WORKED at keeping our marriages strong then most of us would never have ended up here. I've been with my GF over 4 years now and have to put some work in on our R almost every day. Listen and validate when I would rather tell her what to do. Put her first when I would rather put me first. Nurture her while setting aside my own need to be nurtured. Offer her unconditional love when I would rather attach requirements to it. Fight my tendencies to be passive/aggressive, condescending, overly sensitive, etc. etc. It is hard work keeping a relationship healthy. Most people quit doing that hard work after the "honeymoon phase".
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One of the things I thought I knew about love was being open and absolutely vulnerable to your spouse. It was the trust that they wouldn't kill you which was a type of intimacy and trust shared only to one. Once detachment skills are strong I wonder if that too will be gone forever.
I think all that stuff about men being open and vulnerable to women is Hollywood bullshit. Women want their man to be the rock that they can depend on and lean on, the person that will listen when THEY want to be open and vulnerable. If you want to be open and vulnerable then do it over a beer with your best friend.
