You are too hard on yourself D. You have come an incredibly long way since you first joined the boards. Your M is officially ending. A piece of paper maybe, but it is also a final reminder of the hopes and dreams you both had when you stood on front of friends and family and vowed to love one another till the end of your days. Saying goodbye to those hopes and dreams is a huge step. I would think you heartless if it did not hurt.
Yorkie says something similar in her thread. I don't know if you keep up with her sitch so I will summarise where she is at now. Like you, Yorkie is in the final stages of her D. She is building a life and has long since let go. I think once it is finally done, she will wish her H well. A few weeks back, on a trip with a friend to Italy, she broke down in tears. Uncontrollable, irrational tears. She missed her life with her H, even though rationally she knew it was a lie and not a life at all. After some soul searching she came to the realisation these were not the same hysterical tears that she had post BD, they were not driven by loss or fear, but by sadness. She was saying goodbye.
I understand what you are feeling. I wish often that there could be a pill to make me forget how much I loved him so that I did not have to feel the constant numb ache in my chest. But indifference is the opposite of love. Let her go with love.
Re your friends. By remaining friendly with the OM, they are choosing not to take sides. On some level you have to respect them for that.
