Good question IHCLACS. Also I think you meant "empathize" not "emphasize" =)
For me, it's mostly NGS. The book explains it way better than I can. Learned behavior from a childhood of emotional neglect.
Anger - Covert contracts (and their ineffectiveness) -> doing more and more for my partner, hoping to get what I want in return - Assuming my partner knows what I want, then getting frustrated/angry when I don't get it - Lack of empathy for my partner's anger/resentment - Lack of self-respect - giving my partner control over my decisions, in an effort to please
Defensiveness - Feeling accused, rather than (again) empathizing with my partner - Problem-solving attitude, rather than listening - Feeling misunderstood, feeling like partner is projecting her feelings onto me sometimes - Feeling as if all our issues are "communication" problems, and I am practicing "good" communication
Honestly when we went to MC, I found it hard to ask for what I wanted... I was so used to the pattern of "do what I think my W wants, then maybe she will show me affection" that I completely lost touch of my own needs.
I'm also trying hard to empathize and validate lately. Practicing on everyone, not just W (my kids, friends, coworkers when appropriate). Many times in our M, during heated discussions, my W would say "It's not all about you!" and I never understood it. I thought I was apologizing, saying "I'm sorry" and "I won't do it again." Poor listening, poor validating.
I have really started working on my empathy and validation skills since I decided to try to apologize to my wife for things that happened in the last 2 years. Because she was not sharing with me, I wrote some letters and tried to put myself in her shoes: "When I <...> I can imagine you felt <...>" or "You must have felt so hurt when I <...>". I'm not sure it helped with any healing, but I think that's another form of empathy -- gotta be careful not to mind-read, but you can practice placing yourself in their shoes and imagine their experience.
