Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (8)

[Ready2Change]

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Regarding dealing with criticism from the W...The first thing I would say is never get emotional in response to criticism. The reason you don't get emotional is because W does not have the power to get you riled up with her commentary. Understand this - she is not in control of you and does not have power over you. She can't make you feel bad about yourself. You seem to be doing a very good job of staying calm, keep it up. Don't let her get you worked up or suck you in, EVER! Stay strong in this effort.

Second thing would be never get defensive or justify yourself or your actions/in-actions to her in response to criticism. Don't try to explain or use logic because you are dealing with someone who will not connect with that, and more importantly if you try and explain or rationalize you are giving credence to W's criticism and attitude. Not defending yourself can be really hard sometimes as this is a natural tendency, but what you are doing is playing into her game and operating in her frame instead of yours, and that is not where you want to be.

W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly "thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too."

You handled this well in my opinion. I call it the "thanks for the input, but" response, which is a good one. Another option in this circumstance is to say nothing, just look her in the eyes for 3 or 4 seconds while you continue to shake the bottle your way. You can do this with a smirk and raised eyebrow, or just with a blank stare.

She texted me later a picture of a tiny cut on our sons hand. I replied "oh no he must have gotten that from holding the open can." She replied "cuz you grabbed it out of his hand" implying blame. I had had enough of the criticism for the day and replied, " I am tired of your criticism and blame. Yes I took the can from him because it isn't safe for him to be holding that".

This one is a little trickier because it's a text and not face-to-face. You could consider not even responding to the picture text as you know what W is trying to do by sending it. You know the blame game is on. I have used a couple different approaches in similar circumstances - one of which is ignore, another is "OMG do you think they're going to need to amputate?!", another is "thank God I was able to get that can out of his hand so quickly and he only has a tiny cut".

My W has hit me with some crazy blame-game stuff, I will take anyone's challenge on this site as to who has endured crazier blame tactics, I'm going to win that one. My #1 response is "YOU think THAT was MY fault?!", with a smile or smirk. When W of course says "Yes", I just laugh. It's great.

Venting: I haven't mentioned it in my sitch much but W is highly critical and controlling. She wants everything done her way and if i do something a different way from her she lays on the criticism and blame. Things as insignificant as how to shake a bottle.

Your W may have anxiety issues that are the basis of her controlling behavior. Do a google search and youtube search on "anxious wife" and similar terms and you may find some helpful information.

I also think you should do a google search on "sh_t tests", where you will find lots of helpful information and insight. It sounds like you are a lot like me, in that you do not put up with much BS, and you have a good foundation to build on when dealing with BS from the W, so a lot of the tips you will find will come easy to you to employ.

Harsh criticism is a relationship killer. It starts a domino effect or chain reaction of bad interactions that much of the time leads to D unless the cycle is broken. All you can do is your part. There are lots of resources here and on the web that you can tap into to get more ideas on how to deal with your W's constant criticism. Pretty much everyone agrees - don't get emotional and don't get defensive, explain or rationalize. Do ignore, or act amused, smirk or laugh, or agree and amplify to a ridiculous level.