The End is Nigh

[InLove42]

Do you feel everything was fine in your MR until his biological mother come into the scene? Did he ask you to search for her?

Everything was okay. He was going through a bit of a stage where he was staying at work later and telling me to deal with it, but he only did it a couple of times. We both looked for his mother because he had an anomalous ECG, which eventually turned out to be nothing.

It sounds as if he, his mother, and you were not prepared to emotionally deal with this new dynamic.

Not at all! We were not prepared to deal with this. I had no clue and thought they were being obsessive. I kept telling him to establish boundaries. I was overbearing and demanding. A huge mistake.

Did he have a good relationship with the woman who raised him, and how has that relationship been affected since finding his biological mother? He may fear losing his biological mother, and if his W and new found mother are at odds.......he will feel he has to pick one of them. He may feel he has to chose between his adopted mother and biological mother.

His dad says his biological mother left him at his grandmother's house. After finding his mom, she claims she always wanted to get in touch with him and that his father kidnapped him even though she had custody but she didn't know where he was. I told him I didn't think that was plausible, but he became angry so I dropped it.

He was raised by his stepmom and she said he texted her happy mother's day, so he obviously is still in touch.

You need to be the girl he fell in love with back before the wedding. I'll bet you showed him your sweetest and prettiest side, b/c you wanted him to love you. Is he seeing your sweetest side now? It's tough when you are upset, and I get it.

Yes, I have a hard time with that one. I was that way last night, and he was very receptive. I'm making an effort, but I am scared of him hurting me all over again. This feels like an emotional rollercoaster.

His mother definitely supports and validates him, which I must admit is hard to do when he is leaving me, but I understand where I went wrong.

When I read your story, I could help but feel that there was something you were leaving out. When did he start complaining about you partying? Was this before or after finding his mother? When you go out with your girlfriends, do you go to bars? Are any of these friends single or divorced? How often do you go out with them? Did he ever have trust issues in the past? If you know it upsets him for you to go out with them, why do you continue? This is not a judgmental question, I just want to see where you stand.

I don't party! Ha ha! Our married life was super routine. This was a huge complaint of his, that I never gave him enough space because my friends were his friends, he stopped doing hobbies and started investing more time in our religious commitments. His mother's husband does completely his own thing, so they started telling him I was co-dependent because we did everything together. I reconnected with an old highschool girlfriend who is divorced and we went to a salsa dancing class ONE TIME. It wasn't at a bar. It was an actual class. He doesn't like her because she is three times divorced and has a promiscuous past. She did try to influence me to cheat with a coworker who had a serious crush on me, and I told him. He hated her since then. But we don't go to bars! She has small children. I stay at her house and chit chat. He has no clue where I am because I leave the house. He does as well.

Are you currently employed or do you solely depend upon his income to pay the bills?

I am employed. I make more than he does, which is why he wants to live with mommy and go back to school.

I have been talking to him about his mother, but I've been being super positive about her. I am like, that's wonderful!

Don't initiate contact unless it is extremely important. If you need to relay something of business, I suggest you do it by text or email. Don't text or email about the relationship. If he contacts you, then respond. Be professional and polite.
Control your emotions when interacting with him.

I have stopped emailing him. He will not give me his new number, but he is now on his mother's phone plan, so I'm not sure if that is why. The hard part is not being emotional to him. I love him, so when he is nice and laughing and hugs me, I swoon. I can't help it. I get a little emotional.

May I ask why you are in counseling and how long you've seen an IC?

Only a couple of sessions and it's a marriage counselor.

This is all great advice. I know I need to detach more. I have a hard time with that, but he was holding out his arm for me to touch it so many times yesterday that he is confusing me a lot. I have a hard time controlling my desire to reconcile.