For IC - What is/was your IC's area of focus or specialty? I started going last fall to an IC specializing in CBT, because of my anxiety about my M. Now that I am transitioning to focusing on the upcoming BD, and DB'ing, I am considering whether I should change to a MFT, or someone with a different focus. Someone who can help me work on myself, and also get through the pains of the D.
I also agree I need to work on the emotional stop gaps in my life. I am starting to connect some of the dots, but I feel like I need to do deeper work. And I am a bit frustrated that most of the dot-connecting is coming on my own time, and not in IC.
Thank you for sharing your personal examples. I like that Viktor Frankl quote. It is so easy to become impulsive when emotions run high, rather than taking that brief moment to consider how to react (if at all).
In my case, I see 2 major problematic behavioral patterns that have driven a wedge in our M.
One is that I sought reassurance, and responded to my W distancing herself (stimulus) by ramping up my reassurance seeking (response) even when she explicitly asked me to stop. These episodes were emotionally abusive. In retrospect, my need for reassurance goes back to unmet childhood needs with emotionally distant parents. Everything was exacerbated by us moving 18 months ago, where my W did withdraw quite a bit emotionally from the M, and I was looking for more closeness because I felt so guilty about moving. At least that's how I experienced it.
My second problematic behavioral pattern has been "giving space." My W explained in MC that she built up resentment over several things - how I handled issues with my parents, the division of household chores. The counselor even coached her to ask for what she wants, rather than build up resentment. It worked for awhile. But the anger came out a lot. My response to the anger (stimulus) was classic NGS - I would try to do everything exactly as she wanted (response), ask for permission to do chores (to which she would sometimes respond "that's not a priority"). Eventually I tried to approach her about her anger and general prickliness, and she responded by further pushing me away. So I decided upon giving space. She sometimes became angry about how distant I was. I was so confused. It is standard NGS - I was so afraid of my W's reaction that I made things worse.
You mentioned control - I also think many of my behaviors boil down to NGS and control. Doing things with the express intention of pleasing my W, hoping for a specific outcome. Initiating R talks, half convincing myself that I did not have an outcome in mind when of course I did. Covert contracts, etc. And as a father, realizing that sometimes I am trying to control my kids, control what we are going to do on a given day, instead of nurturing them and their creativity. And even worse, trying to control them to do things because that was what my W wanted them to do. Getting frustrated with them on her behalf.
In retrospect, I can see why my W started to view me as a controlling person. She started to accuse me of things that were simply not true - having an affair, being financially controlling.
For respect - I think my problem has been allowing disrespect. I have never respected myself very much in R (again NGS). I understand that one should command respect but I'm really just starting to learn how. My reaction when challenged by another person is to assume I am to blame, that I am at fault, to apologize, to fix it. I get stuck worried about how to react to particular situations, going over scripts in my head. This used to happen in my work life until I realized if I was confident and assured, the words would come naturally and I didn't need to worry all the time. Simplicity.
Thank you for the book recommendations, I ordered one of them already. And I love podcasts for my work commute, so thank you. Too bad there is not a DR/DB podcast!
Re: meditation It sounds like you do silent meditation. I have found silent meditation extremely challenging - even 5 minutes of my monkey mind bouncing around is excruciating. I have a guided meditation app which is much more relaxing, but perhaps not yielding much result-wise other than helping me relax.
Do you have any advice here? Did you have to ease into meditation? Do you find it benefits you more as a relaxation method, or that you have deeper insights (or both)? I have tried several times over the years and just find it very hard to be consistent with a practice even 5 minutes per day.
