The End is Nigh

[sandi2]

Do you feel everything was fine in your MR until his biological mother come into the scene? Did he ask you to search for her?

It sounds as if he, his mother, and you were not prepared to emotionally deal with this new dynamic. Based on what you've written, it seems that all three of you made mistakes that affected your relationships. It can be resolved, if everyone wants it resolved. If everyone doesn't.........then you will have to give him time to sort these issues. I suggest you not discuss divorce or separation if you can avoid it. Don't initiate relationship conversations, b/c it causes pressure for him, which isn't good when he wants out. As much as you may feel the need to talk and try to persuade him.....he is not in the right frame of mind to do what is best. Although it is scary, you just have to let off the emotional pressure, and when he applies pressure......don't react emotionally.

Was he adopted? Did he have a good relationship with the woman who raised him, and how has that relationship been affected since finding his biological mother? He may fear losing his biological mother, and if his W and new found mother are at odds.......he will feel he has to pick one of them. He may feel he has to chose between his adopted mother and biological mother.
Listen, I married a mamma's boy, so I understand what comes with that situation. Right now, your H is a mamma's boy! Apparently she is influencing him in not so positive ways. However, he is focused mostly on their relationship. That may be very painful for you. As the wife, we are suppose to be......and want to be number one in the life of our man, but for some guys it is really difficult when they love their mother and wife who don't get along. It gets really complicated for them if they have to choose allegiance over the other one. It's like if the wife throws her father in the H's face. If she compares the H with how wonderful her father is and how the H will never measure up to the man her father is.......or if she's a "daddy"s girl" to the point of acting like a spoiled brat, she will lose a lot of brownie points in how her H feels toward her. A mother or father should never be competition for one's spouse. Unfortunately, it happens, and most of us did not take classes on how to deal with it when faced with that problem.

Here's the thing I've learned. You cannot make him "see" by talking about it. You can't persuade him to see your side by talking about it. Not in this particular situation, it just does not work. You cannot take your anger out on him. It will only hurt you in this situation. You cannot control what he does or how he feels. As his W, you have influence in how he feels about you.......and that is a power many women fail to recognize. You can influence his feeling towards you in a positive or negative sense. It's just like before you were dating and you wanted him to like you......so you showed him your best side. You knew you would not win his favor by whining, pouting, threatening, pleading, having a temper tantrum, giving the silent treatment, or the cold shoulder, (at least, I hope you knew better). The same applies after marriage. Those type of actions will only push him further away. You need to be the girl he fell in love with back before the wedding. I'll bet you showed him your sweetest and prettiest side, b/c you wanted him to love you. Is he seeing your sweetest side now? It's tough when you are upset, and I get it.

Another thing I've learned is that in order to win his heart, you must not pressure him. As women, we are inclined to tell our H what needs to be done around the house. We tend to get into a habit of telling our H's what to do.......and sometimes he may be justified in feeling as if he is being controlled. I hate the term "nagging", don't you? Do you know that if we tell our H something more than once, he sees it as nagging?

How I wish I could go back in time and do things differently! Maybe you will consider the things I'm sharing and one day your H will see that he can love his mother, but that he loves you in a totally different way. Even if his mother is a b'tch, you can influence how your H sees you. However, you can't do it by explaining to him. You can't do it by making his mother the enemy in his eyes......even if she is. He has to discover it for himself, and that may take longer than you can tolerate. How do you combat it? By being the sweeter person. She may be his mother, but she's not his wife and can't give him the affection of a wife. That's the hard lesson I had to learn. I would get mad about my MIL and take it out on my H by b'tching, pouting, silent treatment, even withholding sex b/c I was not a happy camper. Why on earth did I think that type of behavior would make him adore me and want to spend his time with me, rather than his biggest supporter......which was his mom. I am a talker, and I use to believe that's how you resolve everything. When it comes to our H's, we have to be careful about preaching and b'tching. Know what I mean? If the conversation gets one-sided, we need to stop. When we start getting emotional (angry, crying, raising our voice, etc.) then we lose what we truly wanted when we first started the talk. I mean, he may say he'll try......but if he feels pressured to do it in order to keep the peace.......won't he just silently resent his W? And how guilty are we about punishing our H with bad behavior?

When I read your story, I could help but feel that there was something you were leaving out. When did he start complaining about you partying? Was this before or after finding his mother? When you go out with your girlfriends, do you go to bars? Are any of these friends single or divorced? How often do you go out with them? Did he ever have trust issues in the past? If you know it upsets him for you to go out with them, why do you continue? This is not a judgmental question, I just want to see where you stand.

Before his mother came into the scene, was he going out as much as you were? What would he do while you were out with friends? When did this really become an issue? Is he type that is concerned about how others see you?

Are you currently employed or do you solely depend upon his income to pay the bills?

You have to let go of your controlling ways. That is essential. I suggest you give him all the space he needs. Don't talk to him about his mother, and never try to make her the bad guy. Trust me when I say it will not serve you. He has to see it for himself, and right now he doesn't want to see anything imperfect about her.

Don't initiate contact unless it is extremely important. If you need to relay something of business, I suggest you do it by text or email. Don't text or email about the relationship. If he contacts you, then respond. Be professional and polite.
Control your emotions when interacting with him.

Speak softly and tenderly. Don't try to act pitiful or turn on tears to make him feel sorry. Don't accuse and blame, b/c that will put him on the defense and make you look like the bad guy. Don't pursue him, b/c that is pressure. If he comes to the house, be sweet and friendly as if he was a guest. Don't talk about any sore subjects. Focus your attention on him, as long as he is being nice. If he tries to push a conversation about divorce, just tell him that's not what you want, but you won't stand in his way if he wants it. We can't force people to love us. Know what I mean? If he loves you, he will eventually find his way back to you, if you let go of the reigns. Many couples remarry after a divorce, so who knows how the future will turn out. I just know that the more we try to control people and/or situations, the more destruction we do to ourselves and our relationships.

May I ask why you are in counseling and how long you've seen an IC?

BTW, I don't give the same exact advice when the roles are reversed, so if you read posts from LBH's.......they will be different from what I'm telling you here. Just saying that so you won't get confused.

I hope to talk with you more about your sitch. Although I have not been in this exact situation, I've been in similar shoes to where I can empathize. Post often. The more you will share, the more we can see the overall picture, and hopefully, be able to help.