Hey guys, I know I’ve been posting a lot the last few days but forgot somethings I want to journal and also need to vent.
Starting with journaling: I forgot to mention that during R talk last night, W at one point when discussing wearing rings said “this isn’t all about you”. Should have validated but was caught off guard and didn’t really reply.
After R talk W initiated the most intimate cuddle we have had in months. Very close, wrapped tightly around me not wanting to let go. May have been pursuit after R talk where I made it clear I wasn’t gonna wait around for her.
So this morning we were getting ready for work, W was running late so asked me to put our S in his walker chair in the kitchen so i could get his lunch ready while she went to the bathroom to finish getting ready. S grabbed an open can while I wasn’t looking and I quickly grabbed it back from him hoping he wouldn’t cut his hand.
W walked in later and started nitpicking and criticizing the way I had washed the baby bottles. She even complained that I was shaking the bottles the wrong way. Looking for everything and anything she could criticize me about. To this complaint I responded calmly “thanks for the advice but my way works just fine too.” She then left for work. She texted me later a picture of a tiny cut on our sons hand. I replied “oh no he must have gotten that from holding the open can.” She replied “cuz you grabbed it out of his hand” implying blame. I had had enough of the criticism for the day and replied, “ I am tired of your criticism and blame. Yes I took the can from him because it isn’t safe for him to be holding that”.
Venting: I haven’t mentioned it in my sitch much but W is highly critical and controlling. She wants everything done her way and if i do something a different way from her she lays on the criticism and blame. Things as insignificant as how to shake a bottle. Around BD the criticisms were constant. They have decreased with DBing I think. She used to love my humor but around BD started to criticize that too.
I have always been emotionally strong and stable while she is not. She is very quick to lose her temper and lash out. I thought this was part of the reason we were a good match: I could easily deal with her bad attitude without getting upset myself. But after years of blame and her being critical I am running out of patience.
She was extremely spoiled by her single mother growing up. Even to this day she bosses her mom around and is very rude to her at times. She didn’t have a father figure in the picture. I wonder if her upbringing led to her attitude now.
While I have always been able to deal with her short fuse, criticism and temper, I am starting to be fed up. When I say deal with I don’t mean I would let her push me around. If it got to a certain point I would always shut it down but I was able to shrug off a lot of the criticism like it didn’t even phase me. This morning I was at a point where I was thinking “F this. Why do I want an R with someone who feels the need to criticize me over the smallest things that hold no real importance. Big moment for me today realizes that I don’t know if I want to R unless my W can really tone down the criticism and show me that she can change as well.
