Then when she tells me she works today, she'll need help with the dinner. But the truth is she gets off work to pick up the kids at 2pm and then 3pm but I don't get home until 530pm. Not sure what help she's thinking I'll be at 530pm when she is ALREADY HOME.
I still have doubts about the abuse issues. It just doesn't chime with her behavior. But whatever..........if you meekly fall into a pattern where you are afraid to speak up or disagree with her b/c she'll claim you are controlling......join the club of the other LBH's who have a WW. IMHO, your W appears to be taking advantage of this entire situation. If she thinks she has you by the b@lls, b/c of her abuse claim, then in fact.......she does. So, you have to figure out how to reclaim your b@lls without being emotionally abusive. As for the controlling accusations, IDK........b/c most WW's accuse their H of controlling. It doesn't mean it's true. If you are controlling, we'll probably see it show up in some of your posts and will point it out.
If she has ruled the roost for a considerable amount of time, then she feels a sense of entitlement and expects you to do follow her orders. Yes, they are orders! She may word it in such a way that it doesn't sound as if she is commanding, but the reality is......she gives the orders and expects you to follow. Do you DARE disobey?
IDK about your W, but some W's enter the M as selfish and spoiled girls, b/c their parents raised them to feel they were special and they never had to do house work or such. This makes it more difficult on a H who is a nice guy and wants to do his share to help with the children and house chores, b/c her sense of entitlement will surface and he will succumb in order to "keep the peace". The longer this scenario continues, the harder it may be for the H to gain a sense of control over his life. He feels he must be available for her bidding.......or he has hell to pay.
When the W is dishing out orders to her H and he obediently follows, she will eventually lose respect for him. Although she may feel a sense of entitlement, it is her female nature to desire a man who leads. When a W is wayward, the ONLY thing she will respect is strength. Therefore, if she can lead her H around by the nose, she doesn't see him in an attractive role. Perhaps you don't see your W going to that extent of leading you around by the nose. Maybe it's more like she's just taking advantage of you. Whatever.........you get the same results, which is disrespect.
I don't know your personality types, but you might be able to kind of call her out by just smiling and say something like, "Oh I have all confidence in your ability to pick up the kids and prepare dinner in a three and half hours time". Then you move on and don't get into a discussion. This is the part that many H's miss. They get sucked into the W's lashings b/c they stick around for her reaction to his remark.
What would happen if you didn't go home immediately after work? Has that ever happened? I'm not suggesting it, I'm just curious.
I don't want to see you get into a tit-for-tat game with your W, where both of you are trying to pay back the other one for one for something you don't like that they did.
I think your W knows exactly what she's doing. She knows you are trying to improve yourself by working through some personal issues. She knows you want to save the M, and you're walking on egg shells in order to not do anything that hints of you controlling or emotionally abusing. That gives a WW a lot of power! Don't think for a minute she won't take advantage of it. She knows you are in IC and that your issues are linked to her. She isn't trying to help you......she's using it to her advantage. As much as your IC may encourage you to do this & that in your MR.........you are dealing with a WW. That puts you in an entirely different ball park. If your IC doesn't understand the mindset of the WW, then you will be receiving conflicting advice if the IC tries to relate it to your interactions with WW.
You have already lost your W, so let go of that fear. That marriage is over, and the two of you are simply going through the motions. You don't have to file for D, but you need to mentally/emotionally let her go. Once you let go of her, you'll be able to find the man you want to be. You have to become a good man before you can be a good husband.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
