Hi ETB. You have gotten some great advice here. I’m a mental health clinician and I work solely with teens. I can tell you that the number one protective factor for any teen is their ability to openly communicate with their parents. Rebellion in teens is a normal developmental stage. Her task currently is to figure out who she is apart from her parents. It is important to keep in mind that she is experimenting but functioning well in all of the important areas in life (part-time job, going to school, etc...). It is important that you recognize those things and she knows that you do. As DnJ said, get into your intellectual car. Ask yourself what you would say to a really good kid you cared about but was not yours.
Stephen Covey wrote a really good book on habits of “effective families” that I recommend to all parents. In it, he talks about what to do when you youth does something you don’t approve of. It is okay to express your disappointment and to talk about your fears but do not turn it into a “crime and punishment” situation. The second you do that, you make yourself the problem and you get in between your teen and her conscience. Do not make yourself the problem. She needs to know you are on her team...even when she does something that you don’t agree with.
Growing up, I had a really good relationship with my parents and the same deal that DnJ talked about...that I could call at any time and they would pick me up without fear of punishment. I didn’t have a “curfew” per say as it was something I negotiated depending on what my plans were. I had friends who had hard and fast rules. They spent the majority of their time trying to get around those rules and making some risky choices. In university, out from under their parents’ thumbs, they made even riskier choices. I didn’t because I didn’t have anything to rebel against. My parents trusted me and their trust was the biggest influence on me when it came to making decisions.
When you feel yourself getting behind the wheel of your emotional car, STOP. Step back from it. Parents do the most damage to their relationship with their kids when they are driving that car. Take some deep breaths, be curious, ask questions, do not accuse or blame, and then STFU and let her talk. You will be very glad that you did. Oh, and if you do lose it and get really upset, there is nothing teenagers appreciate more than hearing their parent admit they overreacted and offer an apology.
Anyway...that’s my two cents. I wish you the best of luck over the next few years. It can be a very trying time but it can also be extremely rewarding if you play your cards right. (((HUGS)))
