Yail - Both my girls are naturally intuitive (are all children?). They sense the temperature in the room. But unlike her sister, she does not internalize any of it. She knows when things are tense and will give one or both of us a cuddle. When she leaves to go to her dads she will run up and give me the biggest hug you can imagine and tell me how much she loves me. D9 is, in a strange way, my rock. She is her dads too. She doesn't demand anything in return. Just that we are free with our cuddles back. She has a naturally happy temperament - she can't ever walk like a normal person, she has to skip or jump or look for walls to walk on. She will put together the strangest most colorful outfits (dots and animal prints, stripes which go in opposing directions) and when her sister chastises her for dressing weird she firmly says back "I don't want to be like everyone else". I hope she will always be as secure in herself as she is today.
Limbo verses 'just living' your life. Sometimes I wish I could just move on. A dating app is installed on my phone, and although I have not yet set up a profile, I look at it at least once a day to see what else 'is out there'. There are times when I wonder if I am deluding myself that there is any hope left. There are days when I wonder if I am standing out of pride and/or fear. I tell myself patience but if I were to be honest, it is wearing thin.
There are times when I wonder if I am over thinking it. Maybe there is nothing left. I don't even think he is cake eating any more. Just biding his time until the two years separation are up and we can D (here it is two years unless one party has been unreasonable/having an A). He does not want to be blamed for this, and if I file, the system here (before two years) is one party must be to blame. A friend said a few weeks back "I don't trust him - he's scheming" and maybe she's right.
