That insight about work gives me a lot of food for thought, thank you. I think part of his work stuff is his mother telling him throughout school that he hadn't done well enough and praising his sister for doing less well. She was super critical of him growing up, it's interesting to see how he has internalised that into himself and his relationship with me. He is better with our kids though, I think I've done a good job of setting the parental tone there. My ds2 had a little bit of self harming going on a couple of years back, and it scared the absolute crap out of me so I examined my expectations VERY hard and made sure I did not reinforce any type of perfectionism, it also meant I backed right off ds1 when he was doing GCSEs and not revising very much. He actually failed a couple of his subjects but he did well in the subjects he needed to, and I praised him for prioritising his efforts and not putting his mental health at risk. He's now working hard at college but has a balanced life with work and girlfriend and friends and hobbies, I'm exceptionally proud of him and I think dh is too.
I think you're right about feeling like work is easy to understand and achieve for my dh, no wonder he doesn't want to retire soon even though the stress is killing his life. He tells me how he is surrounded by clever, hard working people and even though his job doesn't have inherent meaning in terms of his values in life, he does get a lot of satisfaction out of doing a good job for his clients and the people who work for him. I know he feels a sense of responsibility for the people he manages, maybe even more than for his family? I think I need to validate and empathise more when he talks about work instead of getting triggered. I have been trying but maybe my resentment towards his work lately means I have been backsliding on that. I thought he would be less stressed and have more time for us after his busy period but nope, it continues to be relentless. I can't change it, but I can accept it for now.
I was listening to a podcast this morning about blame and there were lightbulbs going off in my head over and over again. I have a LOT more work to do here, seriously. I feel like I've come quite a long way in terms of emotion control over the last few months, but I have so much more to take on board in taking my share of responsibility and quitting the blame game. Your comments about me disapproving of my dh are very useful in pointing out how I'm still blaming him. I need to stop disapproving, as you say it's hard to separate the disapproval of the behaviour from disapproval of the person (the fundamental attribution error, I might get a tattoo of this). I think I will be discussing this with my IC on Wednesday, I have become more alert to my pity parties and playing victim, but I need to better recognise when my blaming or disapproving or resentful behaviour is also putting me into victim mode. Taking my share of responsibility in this dance is an ongoing project for me, and probably a lifelong one no matter what happens.
Red lipstick, yes, he has booked a nice restaurant so I will dress up
