I am not sure that I am not putting pressure on her. Yesterday, I made her mother's day dinner with all the kids help. She seemed to love it! But I am sure there was pressure. I also slip up a lot and tell her that I want her to love me again. She says, "I do love you." CONFUSED!!!!!
I am also terrible with the GAL. I have built my life around being a good family man, and I love that role. I am exercising every night now however.
Sh74,
You replied to my thread with a MC question, and I linked here. First some things that are similar in my sitch:
- 3 kids (mine are younger, 7, 5 and 3) - We tried MC from Sept '18 to Jan '19. Ended because we mutually agreed it was going nowhere and the MC would do unprofessional things like miss appointments. - "Plan" is to re-start MC in June or July. I expect this is not an honest effort by W to improve M, but more likely a BD.
We relocated about 18 months ago, and W has been on and off fighting something. She has not seemed genuinely happy most of the time. It could certainly be a MLC triggered by the disruption of the move. She seems depressed. I think she thinks she chose to marry me now due to some unresolved conflict with her parents/childhood. Who knows? I'm almost positive there is no EA/PA. I sought reassurance and intimacy as my way of dealing with the move, which caused a lot of problems when I would get emotional about it. I was emotionally immature (and still am).
I also work and then go home. I am terrible with GAL - in fact my wife has PUSHED me to spend time with friends or by myself previously and I resisted. Literally I didn't recognize she was begging me to differentiate. Anyways, I am struggling in many ways the same as you.
Some random thoughts, from someone who keeps telling themselves these things and yet backslides every day into self-pity:
- Stop seeking reassurance that she loves you. It is pressure, pressure, pressure. You can be there for her and validate and listen, but let her lead the way. My wife stopped saying ILY 4 months ago. About 2 months ago, I decided I would stop as well. - Stop trying so hard to show her you love her. True DB'g (I am a novice here) is about letting go. First, good for your own well-being. Second, it gives your W space (again, removal of pressure). I know, hard to do on Mother's Day. - Fight the temptation to read into what your W says or does. It leads easily to paranoid thinking and then self-defeating behaviors. This is subtle and DIFFICULT. The clearest example is your fear of the BD. In my case, I decided this was not a paranoid thought, that I had enough "evidence" to be convinced I needed to prepare. In your case, it's hard to say.
For your MC question - I will give some thoughts in the thread where you asked the question.
For GAL - after my kids go to bed, often my W and I watch TV, maybe have a glass of wine, crack jokes, casual talk. I very consciously last week decided to spend some nights by myself on an old hobby of mine instead. I MISS that interaction with W, it feels like one of the few threads holding us together. But honestly... sitting around watching TV is just letting the clock tick down. We are talking like friends, acquaintances. There is no R-building going on there. Laying on a couch, having a drink, watching TV -- it is so comfortable and fun, but when I realize it's not helping me, or my M, it's much easier to get the motivation to do something different.
