Still Doing the Fish Slapping Dance

[LoisB]

Job!

I've missed you. I will email you. Promise. And, I will give you all the awesome details of our new life.

Yep, at least for now, I believe the shame over what he did hangs too heavy. We are reminders. Even the d@mn dog. Old Sins Cast Long Shadows.

Plus, any time anyone has a feeling about ANYTHING he's done past/present... and there's a lot of feelings based on a whole lot of trauma among three women... he can't swallow it. It makes him want to use, or just hate himself. Sadly, when he pulls away to "maintain," we all react with PTSD from being abandoned. Then, he feels worse. And, on it goes.

I had to have a convo with him last fall. No more calling me Mrs. B and throwing the word "Love" around if he wasn't sure of what he wants. It's way too hard for all of us. That's why the roses threw me.

He always sent a dozen roses when he'd screwed up and wanted back in... often back in the house! after I'd locked him out :-)

I've been learning about trauma bonds. I know there's an element of trauma bonding with us.

When Cal saw the roses, she remarked, "MOM, I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL delivered roses are from someone else." I can't say I disagree.

It is what it is. I'm so focused on my business, I can't fathom having anyone in my life right now. Maybe in a year or so. I want my biz to be on solid ground. Being a self-employed single mom isn't for the faint-hearted.

It's time to get out and mingle with other adults though, outside of my 12-step program. I'm ready.