Still Doing the Fish Slapping Dance

[LoisB]

It has been FOREVER since I checked in with you guys. Seven years out. Time flies.

How the heck are y'all?

I'm doing well. My girls are Amazing. I just wrote an essay about surviving a terrible divorce and watching your kids still thrive. Yes! I'm writing for money again. I'm writing without being a stressed-out newspaper editor. Even submitting manuscripts to, GASP, publishers.

Still loving where we live. I've been over-doing it in some areas and trying to create more balance. Had a bit of a health scare this spring that forced me to look at how hard I was working. Ready to get out and meet more people. I think it's taken this long to feel safe enough in my own skin to allow others inside my bubble. Have lots of support and love in my 12-step program, though.

So, here's where I could use some feedback.

About 2 years ago, Smokey came back into our lives. He wanted to get sober, regretted all he had done, blah, blah, blah...

The girls and I allowed him with some really stiff boundaries: Sobriety, transparency and we called the shots in terms of if/when he could visit.

We started talking in a group text. He got sober and started to go to meetings. He moved away from skank. He checked in with us at least a few times weekly, sometimes daily. He'd send me "Goodnights" and "Good Mornings." I got flowers on my birthday, etc.

He came to visit twice. The girls really opened their hearts to him again. He even went on a family hike with us. We had these special moments as a family. It was cool. This went on for more than a year.

Last August, he came to visit. We had a great visit. At this point, he's even calling each of us... like we are TALKING on the phone.

He goes back to Ohio.

He goes dark. He had done this off-and-again. Seemed like it revolved around his sobriety.

This time, however, he's really dark. This is weird, because we had all talked about a job move he wanted to take-the job would allow him to visit in longer stretches, like weeks atta time. We all had feedback about it. He took the job.

He finally gets back in touch after a few weeks. He says he's really struggling. Hasn't used, but is going to meetings 24/7. He says he's heading to treatment. I know! The very thing I had been praying about, finally, 30 years out.

He goes to treatment. He can only afford a week. He calls me the day he's out. I'm the first person he calls. Then, darkness spreads over the land. Heavy darkness. The only thing we learn from him-treatment was really, really, really, really heavy... and he wants little to do with any of us.

I become convinced, like the girls that he must be using again. WE all go through mourning again. The trauma from before returns and we all go a little crazee with his falling out of our lives again. At one point, he tells me I drive him bonkers and he can't talk to me right now. He doesn't talk to the girls either.

He promised to come for the holidays, he didn't.

He did, however, start sending money regularly. A fair amount. Not complaining.

We are all in therapy and dealing with our past trauma anyway. We all recover more quickly with this MIA.

He's been slowly peaking his head out again. I believe he has maintained his sobriety. From what I can gather, we are triggers. And, I believe he has found a fairly solid group of recovery folks as his family. When pressed, he will only say, "I'm trying to maintain."

So, this brings us to now. I'm back from my short trip to the land of Midlife crazee.

He called our youngest a few weeks ago. He has tried to talk to our oldest.

The girls are fairly fed up. This last appearance leaves us all worn out with him.

So, Mother's Day yesterday. He sends me a dozen roses. Wha?